(no subject)

Last night I got the first good night's sleep in over a week. It's strange to wake up feeling rested. It's also illuminated the fact that it's not sleeplessness, or not just sleeplessness, that's had such an effect on me. On a cold, clear morning, awake with my sweetie, not struggling to stay awake, I still have to fight back the urge to cry when I think about facing the day. I'm getting really fucking tired of this.

structure and monstrosity

I have problems with things where I can't show my work. It doesn't feel legitimate, somehow, very susceptible to harsh opinion or questioning by others. (It's not to say that I want to; I often resent it, bitterly. But, I can, which gives the frustration at having to do so some purchase; I know I can). This plays in pretty well with my lifelong focus on structured learning and intellectual pursuits. It's probably the source for this over reliance, at least in part. Some of this is reward, but I think some of it's fear, too; so-called precocity is less problematic if it follows the common path, the standard form, and of course, one is more readily rewarded for doing as one is supposed to.

I can remember as a kid being terrified of Frankenstein's monster (or to a kid, Frankenstein). It hit in the very early 70s when there was a creepy mainstream interest in horror. My parents were staying up, watching some version of Frankenstein on TV (maybe Warhol's? Would that have been shown on broadcast TV, even severely cut?) and I could hear just enough of the screaming and yelling that my mind ran with it. For weeks, I'd worry that my imagined version of the monster was just outside the trailer walls and would smash through them to get me. It got so bad I didn't want to go down the hall to the bathroom at night unless I thought I was in someone's field of vision.

When I actually read the story, something clicked. No matter what my various teachers and professors might have said, for me the true message of the book was to be afraid of the villagers. Victor was a self absorbed ass who deserved more personal suffering, but the monster was a poster child for social constructivism. His problem was being both notably atypical and exceptional, which created a clear path to the fear of the mob and the normalizing violence of his destruction. The 'moral', such as it is, seems clear; stand out, especially while possessing exceptional traits, and the community will turn on you.

I think this is a big part of what scared me as a kid. It's certainly a lessen that was beaten into me, sometimes literally, by family, classmates and teachers: no one likes a smart aleck; just because you were right, that's no excuse; it's not what you said, it's how you said it, etc. Structured learning offered some cover. Learning the tools meant I could backfill when I was called on (some) things. The problem is, I got better with time at this, almost to the exclusion of everything else. The structure had me, because I couldn't work safely, sometimes work at all, without it. I flirt with weak almost-solutions ('I'm post-structuralist because I want to escape from structuralism'), but it's a key to a slightly sunnier parlor, not a key to the gate.

I'm terrified of being monstrous, on a lot of levels, but what scares me most is that one day I'll just get fed up with running in a harness and throw it all off, stand up and possibly above the crowd. I'm afraid I'll get that quick moment of freedom, then go down beneath fists and feet once I'm seen. I'm not sure if I hope that I'll go down smiling, or go down fighting.