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Freaky dream about J and I letting someone in our basement door at 3:00 AM, after I had closed and relocked it when I noticed it was ajar. Even as it was happening, I was resisting... something, in my head, fighting the imposed normalcy of letting 'Charlie' in. 'Charlie who? Manson?' I asked that dominant narrative part of myself who insisted it was normal and OK. 'No, just Charlie!'. He had made it in while I was caught in that internal dialogue, but had no color, no features at all, was just a grey/black man shaped figure that just stood there. I woke up terrified and sweaty, straining to hear and feel everything in the house, making sure it was just us and the cats. It took me about forty five minutes to calm down enough to get back to sleep, because I'm never sure if it really is "just a dream", or if it means something.
Apr. 17th, 2008
I see beautiful everyday things, and I know they're beautiful, experience their beauty, but am instantly aware of the possibility of them fading, passing, going away and not coming back. The currents of so much seem to be caught in the flow if negative change, of decay and degradation at an increasing pace, and I have trouble going on about life as I know it with this knowledge.
I think I have crisis fatigue.
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I think I managed to hit something like 'no mind' or zanshin on the drive home last night. I was wondering if I could achieve a trance-like state while driving, and what that would do to the experience both as a driver, and as someone stuck in traffic. Interestingly, I slipped into it pretty easily, and noticed an immediate change in my vision, from the narrow focal point to a much wider peripheral in which I was aware of everything, but focused on no specific object. I flowed with traffic better, and found the hour long commute much less taxing, almost pleasant. Time seemed to slip away; I'd see a car I'd seen before, and think it was long ago until I realized it was just a minute. Most interestingly, I felt a slight pressure, more like an increased awareness, in the center of my forehead, and was not aware of either eye being dominant (I'm usually very aware of right (most of life) or left (a sign 'something else' is going on) or the shift from one to the other). I think I've been misunderstanding this for years, even/especially in a martial arts context.
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I'm not sure from where, but I feel some need to explain my 'gnostic', particularly in relation to 'Gnostic'. Unsurprisingly, I take a more structural/philological, possibly even reductive, approach to the term; I believe 'direct knowledge' is possible, but make no discrete or absolute claims as to what, exactly. I know the things I have had direct knowledge of, but that's me; I don't expect anyone else to necessarily overlap or share that, though it would be cool if they did.
*******************
This takes me to 'pantheism'. It's not quite the right term for what I mean, but I haven't found a better one, yet. I don't necessarily believe everything is one, or that everything necessarily has 'spirit' (and I'm really uncomfortable with the dualistic implications of most spirit/matter constructions), but I do believe (know?) that some things have presence. I don't feel the urge to systematize this into some big universal plan, I just know what (who) I know, and am open to knowing others. I also don't feel the need to assign hierarchy. It seems strange, but comfortable, to live in a place with overlapping, coexsiting meaning.
********************
I've been seeing a lot of bumble bees lately, the big, round ones. I think I used to see more of the smaller ones, but not this year, maybe just not yet. Yesterday, walking in the woods, one would fly towards me with something that reminded me of my cat Petrov, as though he suddenly noticed your presence and was focused and intent on some interaction. Later, I got the same feeling from a short, sudden breeze, too. Maybe I live with a short, fuzzy avatar.
********************
Image: a stick figure with a larger than usual head, standing on the apex of a tall, narrow fulcrcum. (walking into work in the sun yesterday morning)
I think I have crisis fatigue.
*****************
I think I managed to hit something like 'no mind' or zanshin on the drive home last night. I was wondering if I could achieve a trance-like state while driving, and what that would do to the experience both as a driver, and as someone stuck in traffic. Interestingly, I slipped into it pretty easily, and noticed an immediate change in my vision, from the narrow focal point to a much wider peripheral in which I was aware of everything, but focused on no specific object. I flowed with traffic better, and found the hour long commute much less taxing, almost pleasant. Time seemed to slip away; I'd see a car I'd seen before, and think it was long ago until I realized it was just a minute. Most interestingly, I felt a slight pressure, more like an increased awareness, in the center of my forehead, and was not aware of either eye being dominant (I'm usually very aware of right (most of life) or left (a sign 'something else' is going on) or the shift from one to the other). I think I've been misunderstanding this for years, even/especially in a martial arts context.
*******************
I'm not sure from where, but I feel some need to explain my 'gnostic', particularly in relation to 'Gnostic'. Unsurprisingly, I take a more structural/philological, possibly even reductive, approach to the term; I believe 'direct knowledge' is possible, but make no discrete or absolute claims as to what, exactly. I know the things I have had direct knowledge of, but that's me; I don't expect anyone else to necessarily overlap or share that, though it would be cool if they did.
*******************
This takes me to 'pantheism'. It's not quite the right term for what I mean, but I haven't found a better one, yet. I don't necessarily believe everything is one, or that everything necessarily has 'spirit' (and I'm really uncomfortable with the dualistic implications of most spirit/matter constructions), but I do believe (know?) that some things have presence. I don't feel the urge to systematize this into some big universal plan, I just know what (who) I know, and am open to knowing others. I also don't feel the need to assign hierarchy. It seems strange, but comfortable, to live in a place with overlapping, coexsiting meaning.
********************
I've been seeing a lot of bumble bees lately, the big, round ones. I think I used to see more of the smaller ones, but not this year, maybe just not yet. Yesterday, walking in the woods, one would fly towards me with something that reminded me of my cat Petrov, as though he suddenly noticed your presence and was focused and intent on some interaction. Later, I got the same feeling from a short, sudden breeze, too. Maybe I live with a short, fuzzy avatar.
********************
Image: a stick figure with a larger than usual head, standing on the apex of a tall, narrow fulcrcum. (walking into work in the sun yesterday morning)