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surprising (welcoming?) space
Nov. 23rd, 2008 05:56 pmI worry, some times a lot, about meeting people who have heard about me before hand; I have this idea that they expect something very different than they (think they) see when I'm present in person. I've had some awkward and uncomfortable experiences in the past, so I'm a bit gunshy.
Last night, fairyhead wanted very much to go to Atlanta Decompression and the Alchemy town hall meeting before. She'd spent last weekend with many of the core members, and talked me up a bit. My sweetie is a hell of an advocate for me, and in the process of talking about us and her life a lot of my gendery stuff and body/endocrinological modifications came up, and my pronoun of preference, so I was a bit more anxious than usual. Plus, she really liked these folks, so I had a vested interest in making an extra good impression.
I'm particularly vulnerable to surfaces and appearances, both internally and externally (and yeah, the irony is not lost on me). Knowing it would be a freakier event, and all of the above, I felt like I should make more of a statement, and take greater chances, than usual in a situation with new people: moderately heavy eye makeup (kohl, mascara), my skinniest jeans and a surprisingly form fitting shirt I was talked into buying by the charming members of Vermillion Lies ("It's a small, but it's very stretchy. It'd be a snug fit, but tight can be good. You could try it on. Go ahead, try it on..."). What little T&A I have (less the former than the latter, but still) was there to be seen, if folks could see past preconceptions.
Surprisingly, things seemed to go OK. The most awkward moments for me were on an entirely different front, not remembering meeting people who remembered meeting me (in my defense, I was in unfamiliar chemical territory at that time). Still not as free or expressive as I'd like, I think, but it was more than I was used to doing, and it went OK. I feel like I need to keep repeating that lest I lose sight of a small but important crack in... something.
Last night, fairyhead wanted very much to go to Atlanta Decompression and the Alchemy town hall meeting before. She'd spent last weekend with many of the core members, and talked me up a bit. My sweetie is a hell of an advocate for me, and in the process of talking about us and her life a lot of my gendery stuff and body/endocrinological modifications came up, and my pronoun of preference, so I was a bit more anxious than usual. Plus, she really liked these folks, so I had a vested interest in making an extra good impression.
I'm particularly vulnerable to surfaces and appearances, both internally and externally (and yeah, the irony is not lost on me). Knowing it would be a freakier event, and all of the above, I felt like I should make more of a statement, and take greater chances, than usual in a situation with new people: moderately heavy eye makeup (kohl, mascara), my skinniest jeans and a surprisingly form fitting shirt I was talked into buying by the charming members of Vermillion Lies ("It's a small, but it's very stretchy. It'd be a snug fit, but tight can be good. You could try it on. Go ahead, try it on..."). What little T&A I have (less the former than the latter, but still) was there to be seen, if folks could see past preconceptions.
Surprisingly, things seemed to go OK. The most awkward moments for me were on an entirely different front, not remembering meeting people who remembered meeting me (in my defense, I was in unfamiliar chemical territory at that time). Still not as free or expressive as I'd like, I think, but it was more than I was used to doing, and it went OK. I feel like I need to keep repeating that lest I lose sight of a small but important crack in... something.
