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losing access to terminology
Jan. 4th, 2009 03:25 pm(in which I come clean in a way that may actively undermine my position with some people)
I'm really unhappy with the gender choices socially and linguistically presented to me and have been for a pretty long time; this is hardly a secret if you're either a friend or casual reader here (unfortunately, in lots of my life, it is a secret, more or less). For years now, my socio-linguistic position has been that while I recognize that the feminine (pronouns, etc) is insufficient and not right, it's less odious and personally painful than the masculine; my stated preference is for 'she/her' and some form of 'girl' over the (painfully limited) alternative.
The problem is, I feel like I'm beginning to lose access to that. I don't think it really makes sense, or at least it doesn't make sense to me. If anyone is to authorize my claim to language, it's me, right? (Whether or not my wishes will be honored is a different matter; I'm talking about my claim to what's right for me, or in lieu of that, what's marginally better) But in my continued (if not continual) poking at this whole mess of gender and my position in relation to it, I've moved pretty far from mapped territory. My sense of self as I understand it in relation to standard gender is that I can't, won't be contained within it; to attempt to do so is an unwelcome act of reduction. I think this is where most of my growing discomfort with 'she/her' comes in.
There was a time, not long ago even, when it gave me a thrill of affirmation, a brief opening of happiness to hear people talk of me in the terms I requested. It felt hard fought, and underscored the connection, at least on that level, with people. Now, though, I find myself occasionally confused, and it takes me a second to figure out that people are talking about me.
That's not to say there's any home or comfort for me in 'he/him'; there's not, and I can't imagine there ever will be again. I'm not a man, make no claims to be one, and it hurts me very much (actually, increasingly) when the naturalized assumption is that I am. That's probably where a lot of my frustration and disconnection with work and the superficially social comes from, but that's a topic for a separate post.
In one instance, on one specific online community, in one very specific conversation*, I claimed 'zie/hir', and it felt OK, but trying it on, even internally, in other circumstances doesn't feel like either home or a utilitarian compromise. It's hardly functional in the world at large; most people have never encountered the idea that gender can be anything other than man/woman (or that gender can be anything other than directly correlative to (assumed) sex, but again, a topic for another time), much less that it's polite to refer to people by terms other than the masculine or feminine. I worry that making such an extracontextual request would only serve to set me apart as the exception, the Other against which the "norm" is affirmed, and that's a best case scenario.
I feel very lost, very much cut off from the shared experience of the world most people take for granted. I worry that I'm increasingly losing the ability and/or the will to engage through a system that feels alien and wrong to me, but is really the only game in town. I actively dislike being read or interacting through the default (for me) lens of 'man', but I'm not deeply invested in being read or interacting through the lens of 'woman', either. I'm acutely aware that the world is not going to change to accommodate me; I'm very clear on that. Not only do I not see an easy or preferable way out, I don't see a way out at all.
Please do note, though, that I'm not authorizing, tacitly or explicitly, reference to me in the masculine as a default. I understand that there are times and contexts in which it is just about unavoidable, I do. But my preference remains for the feminine, even if it's from the position of "this doesn't hurt as much as the other" rather than "this feels right".
If anyone has anything, anything at all, in the way of recommendations, sympathy, commiseration or ideas, please, please let me know.
*It was a conversation about the alleged impenetrability of so-called "theoretical" (i.e. social/linguistic/textual theory) language underpinned by the assertion that meaning should be accessible to competent readers of the language who aren't area specialists. The primary writer made the "grammatically correct" assumption that referring to me in the masculine was perfectly OK since the masculine is the accepted default. The concept of 'zie/hir' was very much in play and widely accepted by the movers and shakers in the community, which is probably why the smack down was satisfying.
I'm really unhappy with the gender choices socially and linguistically presented to me and have been for a pretty long time; this is hardly a secret if you're either a friend or casual reader here (unfortunately, in lots of my life, it is a secret, more or less). For years now, my socio-linguistic position has been that while I recognize that the feminine (pronouns, etc) is insufficient and not right, it's less odious and personally painful than the masculine; my stated preference is for 'she/her' and some form of 'girl' over the (painfully limited) alternative.
The problem is, I feel like I'm beginning to lose access to that. I don't think it really makes sense, or at least it doesn't make sense to me. If anyone is to authorize my claim to language, it's me, right? (Whether or not my wishes will be honored is a different matter; I'm talking about my claim to what's right for me, or in lieu of that, what's marginally better) But in my continued (if not continual) poking at this whole mess of gender and my position in relation to it, I've moved pretty far from mapped territory. My sense of self as I understand it in relation to standard gender is that I can't, won't be contained within it; to attempt to do so is an unwelcome act of reduction. I think this is where most of my growing discomfort with 'she/her' comes in.
There was a time, not long ago even, when it gave me a thrill of affirmation, a brief opening of happiness to hear people talk of me in the terms I requested. It felt hard fought, and underscored the connection, at least on that level, with people. Now, though, I find myself occasionally confused, and it takes me a second to figure out that people are talking about me.
That's not to say there's any home or comfort for me in 'he/him'; there's not, and I can't imagine there ever will be again. I'm not a man, make no claims to be one, and it hurts me very much (actually, increasingly) when the naturalized assumption is that I am. That's probably where a lot of my frustration and disconnection with work and the superficially social comes from, but that's a topic for a separate post.
In one instance, on one specific online community, in one very specific conversation*, I claimed 'zie/hir', and it felt OK, but trying it on, even internally, in other circumstances doesn't feel like either home or a utilitarian compromise. It's hardly functional in the world at large; most people have never encountered the idea that gender can be anything other than man/woman (or that gender can be anything other than directly correlative to (assumed) sex, but again, a topic for another time), much less that it's polite to refer to people by terms other than the masculine or feminine. I worry that making such an extracontextual request would only serve to set me apart as the exception, the Other against which the "norm" is affirmed, and that's a best case scenario.
I feel very lost, very much cut off from the shared experience of the world most people take for granted. I worry that I'm increasingly losing the ability and/or the will to engage through a system that feels alien and wrong to me, but is really the only game in town. I actively dislike being read or interacting through the default (for me) lens of 'man', but I'm not deeply invested in being read or interacting through the lens of 'woman', either. I'm acutely aware that the world is not going to change to accommodate me; I'm very clear on that. Not only do I not see an easy or preferable way out, I don't see a way out at all.
Please do note, though, that I'm not authorizing, tacitly or explicitly, reference to me in the masculine as a default. I understand that there are times and contexts in which it is just about unavoidable, I do. But my preference remains for the feminine, even if it's from the position of "this doesn't hurt as much as the other" rather than "this feels right".
If anyone has anything, anything at all, in the way of recommendations, sympathy, commiseration or ideas, please, please let me know.
*It was a conversation about the alleged impenetrability of so-called "theoretical" (i.e. social/linguistic/textual theory) language underpinned by the assertion that meaning should be accessible to competent readers of the language who aren't area specialists. The primary writer made the "grammatically correct" assumption that referring to me in the masculine was perfectly OK since the masculine is the accepted default. The concept of 'zie/hir' was very much in play and widely accepted by the movers and shakers in the community, which is probably why the smack down was satisfying.
