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Apr. 6th, 2009 09:13 pmThings are bad, or seem bad, for a whole lot of people right now. Maybe it's just shitty timing on a much larger scale than usual; I don't know. I know it's not fair, but that really shouldn't be a concern (I try to tell that to my angry, idealistic eight year old self, but it never takes).
Thing is, they're bad for me, too. It's a crazy making, infuriating kind of bad; it's a kind of bad that carries in it a promise, maybe a taunt, of better, a lot better, just out of reach. I don't know what kind of better, just that it's a lot better, but I can't get there. At the very least, I can't get there from where I am, doing what I'm doing, on my own. I'm afraid that things won't line up properly forever, maybe not even for long. What I do know is that something feels adjacent to good, but I can't fucking figure out how to get there, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, what actions would take me closer and not just take me to a sharp, jagged hole of suck and fresh pain.
I'm not very good at direct, or at least direct that I can count on as registering to others; this last chunk of time and its associated attempts really underscore that. So this is as direct as I know how to be; I need help. I don't know what kind, really, but I know I need it. Like I said above, I can't do this on my own.
Thing is, they're bad for me, too. It's a crazy making, infuriating kind of bad; it's a kind of bad that carries in it a promise, maybe a taunt, of better, a lot better, just out of reach. I don't know what kind of better, just that it's a lot better, but I can't get there. At the very least, I can't get there from where I am, doing what I'm doing, on my own. I'm afraid that things won't line up properly forever, maybe not even for long. What I do know is that something feels adjacent to good, but I can't fucking figure out how to get there, what it is I'm supposed to be doing, what actions would take me closer and not just take me to a sharp, jagged hole of suck and fresh pain.
I'm not very good at direct, or at least direct that I can count on as registering to others; this last chunk of time and its associated attempts really underscore that. So this is as direct as I know how to be; I need help. I don't know what kind, really, but I know I need it. Like I said above, I can't do this on my own.
