(no subject)

Maybe it's the relative silence, of being the only one awake in the strong, bright sunlight of early morning that creates the space between inside and outside that lets things... expand? unwrap? enough for me to feel sad, or to feel in general. I want to try and think of it as a potential positive, rather than a burden, to see if there's something, some message or tool buried in there somewhere. I don't know that there is, but I don't know if there isn't, either.

So, maybe space to feel... something. To unwrap all the sadness I compress or ignore to be able to make it through days, to push aside so as to be able to enjoy moments or interactions that might otherwise be marred by innocent intent or unthinking assumptions that would otherwise wound me? If that's what this is, I hope there's something under all of that, that it isn't just a reconstitution and release of the things that would otherwise prevent any semblance of daily life. Feelings have their place and their uses, but if it's just a cycle in which I re-experience pain, I don't see how that helps.

(no subject)

In one way of looking at things, I've spent the last bit of time (year? year and a half?) moving laterally, off the line of gendery stuff and in other directions. Is the point of it all to grow wiser/stronger, only to return to the same intractable problem?