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on being marked
May. 16th, 2009 02:25 pmIt's still there, the thought that I am insufficiently marked. Markings carry meaning, communicate information to others. I don't think I communicate effectively or well. At first glance, I think I come across as some form of subcultural (indie or something nearby) guy, generally straight; the modifications to the standard package, as it were, appear all surface, casual, shallow, easily removed, lacking commitment or much meaning.
This is different than my usual whining about gender, though that comes into play in a lot of ways. I compare to the markings fairyhead carries (some of which I've actively enabled), by way of example: easily visible, meaningful and strikingly attractive tattoos, and much edgier, cooler hair than I can pull off.
The gender/physical stuff is a mess for me. It'll likely always be an unsatisfying mess. There's the meaning I want to convey, then there's what I can pull off/get away with, and then there are the inevitable failures of interpretation. Things would be easier if I could play within the standard model; there are times I wish I could, but I think I can recognize the escapist desires for what they are, and see the impossible and ultimately unsatisfying ends. But the path towards which I'm pulled (which calls for a probable level of committed marking) while different in intention and origin, still runs into or across too many currents of established, if rejected or reviled, narratives or models.
So, trying to move towards other ways of marking, of meaning, I still encounter problems. I've a long and growing list of inscriptions I want to carry, but here my gender struggles and manifestations are problematic, too. Really, it comes down to, "What tattoo artist do I feel comfortable enough with to take off my shirt around?" So far, the answer has been, and continues to be, none, and that makes me sad. It's not that I'm ashamed, because I'm not; it's that I don't want to suddenly be the freak among freaks, a teaching moment, or a grounding for misperception and/or whatever issues others might carry.
Hair is... a messy problem rife with too many painful difficulties for me to go into in detail. Suffice it to say that biology and assigned meaning combine with economic/cultural limitations to leave me feeling very, very limited and hemmed in, as though maybe I'm already doing the best I can with meager resources and limitations.
This is different than my usual whining about gender, though that comes into play in a lot of ways. I compare to the markings fairyhead carries (some of which I've actively enabled), by way of example: easily visible, meaningful and strikingly attractive tattoos, and much edgier, cooler hair than I can pull off.
The gender/physical stuff is a mess for me. It'll likely always be an unsatisfying mess. There's the meaning I want to convey, then there's what I can pull off/get away with, and then there are the inevitable failures of interpretation. Things would be easier if I could play within the standard model; there are times I wish I could, but I think I can recognize the escapist desires for what they are, and see the impossible and ultimately unsatisfying ends. But the path towards which I'm pulled (which calls for a probable level of committed marking) while different in intention and origin, still runs into or across too many currents of established, if rejected or reviled, narratives or models.
So, trying to move towards other ways of marking, of meaning, I still encounter problems. I've a long and growing list of inscriptions I want to carry, but here my gender struggles and manifestations are problematic, too. Really, it comes down to, "What tattoo artist do I feel comfortable enough with to take off my shirt around?" So far, the answer has been, and continues to be, none, and that makes me sad. It's not that I'm ashamed, because I'm not; it's that I don't want to suddenly be the freak among freaks, a teaching moment, or a grounding for misperception and/or whatever issues others might carry.
Hair is... a messy problem rife with too many painful difficulties for me to go into in detail. Suffice it to say that biology and assigned meaning combine with economic/cultural limitations to leave me feeling very, very limited and hemmed in, as though maybe I'm already doing the best I can with meager resources and limitations.
