(no subject)

I am a poorly tuned device.

(no subject)

I can't find a way to come to terms with what feels like the certainty that the default perception for me will always be "a man who-". It's not under my control, of course, but to pretend that it has no effect on me is absurd. It seems such a core part of social interaction that it's nigh inescapable, and it helps keep me always on edge, always tensed for the blow that almost always comes (though often in the softest of velvet gloves, wielded at times with the most innocent of intentions). It's no individual's fault, but that does nothing to mitigate the pain, and at times just turns the frustration in on itself (because there's no effective target for it) until it comes out bitter and poisonous. It's an untenable position, but I can't, as past therapists have suggested, just "let it go", just ignore the pain. I need something else, something that allows me to live more fully and openly in accordance with my ethics, my beliefs, and gives me some fucking room to try and be good, generous and worthy, but this constant siege mentality is fucking grinding me down.