not Indie Dave's way: horoscopes, time, mirrors, and me

Brezsny says I should pay extra attention to my past:

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Let's say that you lost a treasured object a while back. What do you think the odds are that you'll find it this week? Or let's say that a bewildering companion walked out of your life many moons ago. How much do you want to bet that your paths will cross again soon? According to my reading of the omens, events like these could be common between now and August 15. That's because the past is cycling back to you for another look. Revival and resurrection are in the air. What has been old may become new again. Are you ready to experience something resembling time travel?

This does not fill me with joy. I'm realizing more and more that I'm afraid of the past. I feel like I've failed it somehow, failed to live up to its promise, to even my own stated goals. I feel much too miserable as an "adult" to face a past in which adulthood was freedom and opportunity to change things. I've not changed much. I've done quite a lot, and continue to stretch and grow to new surface things, but they don't impress me much, don't address the core unhappiness that's been with me for almost as long as I can remember. I can't bear to be judged by my own past, but I can't help judging myself in relation to it. My life is broader, richer than I'd imagined at the time, but I'm still unhappy, despite being surrounded by an abundance of rare and extraordinary riches. I work very hard to be able to (metaphorically) face myself in the mirror, but I still can't face myself in the mirror.

I'm failing my past, and probably my present as well. The future is just... theoretical, intangible, unreal, not something to be trusted or planned for.

I'm pretty well fucked.

cryptic, and probably not aimed at you

Maybe it's the libertarianism that I keep choking on...

a sort of to do list

"Burns, Blindness and Lazy Privilege" It has a ring to it, doesn't it? Too bad I'm not clear on what I mean to say about that, or if I do, but the title clawed its way to the forefront of my mind like a delivery of something portentous. An outline would have helped, too.

But then I also mean to write about the disparity between internal and external languages, and the clash between inner connotations and external denotations and how that all plays out, both in the short run and over time.

And then there's the sunnier side, something about how certain environments bring out an aspect of my superpowers (but only an aspect, never the whole set) and help me realize that I'm not afraid of people, I'm just afraid of what I might say or do when they hurt me, often without realizing it.

And then, there's work, and too small boxes, and aging, and trying to figure out how to negotiate with aspects of self who aren't concerned at all with the possible or the real, and of course, more of the past and my troubled relationship with it, and what it might mean, and why (I don't know, but probably need to find out).

And why Sleep has turned her back on me, fickle and capricious, when we've almost always been such close friends.