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on time, Sunday morning
Aug. 16th, 2009 10:55 amSunday morning, not even noon, and already it feels like so much time has passed. I think this sense is telling me something, or several somethings.
I know part of this has to do with not wanting to go back to work, to my specific work. It's not bad, really. I'm paid a living wage for doing work that, at least on the micro level, helps people while it lets me interact with them more or less one on one. But it doesn't challenge me, and unless I work very hard in ways I'm not paid for, it usually bores me. I feel constrained in more ways than have to do with my problems playing in the very narrow ranges of available gender; I feel constrained to not think, speak or act too much for fear of... what? Of being seen as or given more authority than I want or necessarily deserve in this context; I don't know everything, am at least as likely to be wrong as the next person, do not need or want to be deferred or sucked up to.
I'm being put even more openly into a leadership position, and I enjoy some of that (more variables leading to more complexity giving me something to do, novelty), but it opens me up to new struggles and conflict as well, mostly internal. I get to exercise my protective impulses a bit, watching out for my team and my customers, but it ratchets up the tension to be careful, to move slowly and cautiously. It sometimes feels like I'm holding butterflies in my hands, and must be ever so conscientious about that while working to clean, manage and protect their habitat, and that is a strain.
Another part is that there is something(s?) else I should be doing, some sense of time better spent, with maybe a touch of time running through the hourglass, at the same time. Maybe this is similar to what others experience as a calling, that pull to something. I kind of ,so because that might mean that if I'm able to trace that back to something, some place, I might have an idea of what I want, need or should be doing instead. Drifting, moving aimlessly from one just as good as another thing, working in ways that might look hard or diligent from the outside but from the inside feel half-assed, at best, then drifting along to the next whatever, isn't doing me any favors, and certainly isn't providing me with any sense of satisfaction or nourishment.
And yet, still the feeling of something. In one of many excellent late night conversations with k_navit, discussing what to do with what I think of as an embarrassing abundance of riches, the ideas of exchange and circulation came up. I'm not terribly strong on gift exchange, but this idea keeps coming up, so it must mean something. Wealth, whether material or immaterial, is meant to be circulated, meant to be kept in motion, connecting people, maybe even defining community. Hoarding is isolating, kills the process, maybe even removes wealth from life, becoming a dead end. There's an act of trust in putting wealth into motion. I don't think one expects reciprocity at that moment, or even from that person; the faith is in the system, the motion of many overlapping circles of exchange and connection. On a larger level, over time, I think things are expected to work out so long as everyone participates, but again, it's not meant for the keeping of balance sheets, at least as I understand it.
Because solipsism is my primary interpretive strategy (and not a terribly uncommon one, I think), I struggle(d) to apply that to myself. There are large, growing parts of my life motivated by trying to help people (while keeping in mind that my idea of help may not be helpful at all; listening to what people need is a relatively new skill), "because that's just what you do". It's not nearly so much an external obligation as a sense of, I don't know... right action? It takes more energy for me to resist doing "right things" than it does to just do them. You help people who are hungry, who are hurting or in crisis, who need a sympathetic ear, a strong shoulder, some of your time or attention just to feel acknowledged as a human being.
It is rewarding. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get something out of it, but I don't think that's my primary motivation. I'm not sure I could tell you what is primary; maybe I don't know, or maybe I'm wrong about it. I don't know that it matters. I often say I'm very weak on faith, but maybe I'm wrong on that, too. The barely articulated feeling inside me is that you give/help because that's what you do, and you hope/have faith others are doing it, too, but even if they aren't, you still do it. Because that's just what you do.
Talking with K, I compared 'rewarding' with 'nourishing'. There are times that I can see that I've eased suffering or loneliness, maybe made someone's world a little brighter or more spacious, maybe even opened up some possibilities. Honestly, I feel good about that; it is rewarding. It's me adding in to the system of exchange and circulation, trusting/hoping that at least some others pass that on if/when they can. But it doesn't feel nourishing to me. I'm still stunted, damaged, wounded in painful, ugly places.
When I'm feeling particularly whiny and self absorbed, I see some specific ways and instances where I have made some people's worlds larger, given them more room, more options, but it often feels like they don't get to where I am right now on some fronts, much less get to areas I need help getting to, places I can't get on my own. I don't mean to invoke some sense of hierarchy or progressivism, overt or implicit; I certainly don't think I'm better or more advanced than others. All of my friends can do things I can't in ways that impress and sometimes stun me, and I try to learn from them when I can. But the places where I'm most hurt, where I need the most help, seem infrequently traveled and very sparsely populated, if not wild. This doesn't mean that there aren't things I can learn from others, and I try. Listening is probably the newest skill, and I've had some excellent and very patient teachers.
I know some of this is me. Despite trying more diligently lately, I don't always articulate my needs well. This is an ongoing, often frustratingly slow process of improvement. Frustration is also a big issue; I'm so incredibly frustrated with myself for getting this stuck, and for not being able to get myself out. This, unfortunately, often spills out when topics are broached, and people (understandably) flinch away. Even if they don't take themselves as the target of frustration and anger, they still feel the effects. I probably also don't see what it is people are offering me. I can get doggedly monomaniacal; I "have trouble not following things to their logical conclusion", and when I can't get to the end, can't figure it out, I worry it in an increasing frenzy, often such that I have trouble fully being in any moment, including moments of offering or giving. It's something I'm trying to address, but it's much slower than I'd prefer, with few incremental sign posts.
I'm hoping that maybe if I get better at the whole giving/receiving circle of exchange, I can find what it is that pulls on my sense of time, of what it is I should be doing, in the time remaining. I've heard that others make it through unsatisfying working lives by finding fulfillment in other parts of their lives; that's the nearer horizon at which I'm aiming. While it might be possible to find a satisfying way of meeting my economic needs, I don't want to fall into the absolutist trap of pinning all my hopes on that, against which all other possible actions fail to measure up.
But, now it's almost noon on Sunday, and there are tangible actions to be taken in the time remaining to me today. I'm trying to look at them as less burdens, maybe just tasks. If I find some nourishment in them, no one will be more surprised than me, but no one will be more pleased, either.
I know part of this has to do with not wanting to go back to work, to my specific work. It's not bad, really. I'm paid a living wage for doing work that, at least on the micro level, helps people while it lets me interact with them more or less one on one. But it doesn't challenge me, and unless I work very hard in ways I'm not paid for, it usually bores me. I feel constrained in more ways than have to do with my problems playing in the very narrow ranges of available gender; I feel constrained to not think, speak or act too much for fear of... what? Of being seen as or given more authority than I want or necessarily deserve in this context; I don't know everything, am at least as likely to be wrong as the next person, do not need or want to be deferred or sucked up to.
I'm being put even more openly into a leadership position, and I enjoy some of that (more variables leading to more complexity giving me something to do, novelty), but it opens me up to new struggles and conflict as well, mostly internal. I get to exercise my protective impulses a bit, watching out for my team and my customers, but it ratchets up the tension to be careful, to move slowly and cautiously. It sometimes feels like I'm holding butterflies in my hands, and must be ever so conscientious about that while working to clean, manage and protect their habitat, and that is a strain.
Another part is that there is something(s?) else I should be doing, some sense of time better spent, with maybe a touch of time running through the hourglass, at the same time. Maybe this is similar to what others experience as a calling, that pull to something. I kind of ,so because that might mean that if I'm able to trace that back to something, some place, I might have an idea of what I want, need or should be doing instead. Drifting, moving aimlessly from one just as good as another thing, working in ways that might look hard or diligent from the outside but from the inside feel half-assed, at best, then drifting along to the next whatever, isn't doing me any favors, and certainly isn't providing me with any sense of satisfaction or nourishment.
And yet, still the feeling of something. In one of many excellent late night conversations with k_navit, discussing what to do with what I think of as an embarrassing abundance of riches, the ideas of exchange and circulation came up. I'm not terribly strong on gift exchange, but this idea keeps coming up, so it must mean something. Wealth, whether material or immaterial, is meant to be circulated, meant to be kept in motion, connecting people, maybe even defining community. Hoarding is isolating, kills the process, maybe even removes wealth from life, becoming a dead end. There's an act of trust in putting wealth into motion. I don't think one expects reciprocity at that moment, or even from that person; the faith is in the system, the motion of many overlapping circles of exchange and connection. On a larger level, over time, I think things are expected to work out so long as everyone participates, but again, it's not meant for the keeping of balance sheets, at least as I understand it.
Because solipsism is my primary interpretive strategy (and not a terribly uncommon one, I think), I struggle(d) to apply that to myself. There are large, growing parts of my life motivated by trying to help people (while keeping in mind that my idea of help may not be helpful at all; listening to what people need is a relatively new skill), "because that's just what you do". It's not nearly so much an external obligation as a sense of, I don't know... right action? It takes more energy for me to resist doing "right things" than it does to just do them. You help people who are hungry, who are hurting or in crisis, who need a sympathetic ear, a strong shoulder, some of your time or attention just to feel acknowledged as a human being.
It is rewarding. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get something out of it, but I don't think that's my primary motivation. I'm not sure I could tell you what is primary; maybe I don't know, or maybe I'm wrong about it. I don't know that it matters. I often say I'm very weak on faith, but maybe I'm wrong on that, too. The barely articulated feeling inside me is that you give/help because that's what you do, and you hope/have faith others are doing it, too, but even if they aren't, you still do it. Because that's just what you do.
Talking with K, I compared 'rewarding' with 'nourishing'. There are times that I can see that I've eased suffering or loneliness, maybe made someone's world a little brighter or more spacious, maybe even opened up some possibilities. Honestly, I feel good about that; it is rewarding. It's me adding in to the system of exchange and circulation, trusting/hoping that at least some others pass that on if/when they can. But it doesn't feel nourishing to me. I'm still stunted, damaged, wounded in painful, ugly places.
When I'm feeling particularly whiny and self absorbed, I see some specific ways and instances where I have made some people's worlds larger, given them more room, more options, but it often feels like they don't get to where I am right now on some fronts, much less get to areas I need help getting to, places I can't get on my own. I don't mean to invoke some sense of hierarchy or progressivism, overt or implicit; I certainly don't think I'm better or more advanced than others. All of my friends can do things I can't in ways that impress and sometimes stun me, and I try to learn from them when I can. But the places where I'm most hurt, where I need the most help, seem infrequently traveled and very sparsely populated, if not wild. This doesn't mean that there aren't things I can learn from others, and I try. Listening is probably the newest skill, and I've had some excellent and very patient teachers.
I know some of this is me. Despite trying more diligently lately, I don't always articulate my needs well. This is an ongoing, often frustratingly slow process of improvement. Frustration is also a big issue; I'm so incredibly frustrated with myself for getting this stuck, and for not being able to get myself out. This, unfortunately, often spills out when topics are broached, and people (understandably) flinch away. Even if they don't take themselves as the target of frustration and anger, they still feel the effects. I probably also don't see what it is people are offering me. I can get doggedly monomaniacal; I "have trouble not following things to their logical conclusion", and when I can't get to the end, can't figure it out, I worry it in an increasing frenzy, often such that I have trouble fully being in any moment, including moments of offering or giving. It's something I'm trying to address, but it's much slower than I'd prefer, with few incremental sign posts.
I'm hoping that maybe if I get better at the whole giving/receiving circle of exchange, I can find what it is that pulls on my sense of time, of what it is I should be doing, in the time remaining. I've heard that others make it through unsatisfying working lives by finding fulfillment in other parts of their lives; that's the nearer horizon at which I'm aiming. While it might be possible to find a satisfying way of meeting my economic needs, I don't want to fall into the absolutist trap of pinning all my hopes on that, against which all other possible actions fail to measure up.
But, now it's almost noon on Sunday, and there are tangible actions to be taken in the time remaining to me today. I'm trying to look at them as less burdens, maybe just tasks. If I find some nourishment in them, no one will be more surprised than me, but no one will be more pleased, either.
