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Sep. 13th, 2009
as over here, so over there*
Sep. 13th, 2009 09:05 amLack of discipline resulting in the erosion of security and stability.
I'm not disciplined in much, if anything; I know that. I coast pretty easily a lot of the time, and get by with very little effort, because for whatever reason, a lot of things are pretty easy (and those that aren't, I tend to avoid initially).
But I do keep coming back to hard things, things I can't put down or leave well enough alone. These don't tend to be things that will make my life materially better in any way, and sometimes the pursuit of them makes it more difficult, if not actually worse. I do work, hard work, but it doesn't show, and often feels like it gets me nowhere. Sometimes I desperately want credit for this work I do, and I'm not sure why. I know part of the reason has to do with defending against the self generated accusation of being a shiftless slacker, which is readily fueled by lack of visible (material/social/occupational/economic/collegial) success.
But dear god, lack of discipline in others pisses me off. Actually, no, that's entirely wrong; I'm going down the wrong path here; lack of results in/with others pisses me off. I can't speak to discipline, since it's largely internal, but results, manifestation of something that smacks of effort or ability or inspiration or the compulsive need to show someone the work, that matters, a lot. Maybe it is about work, not as a redemptive end in itself, but about effort and intent and capability and results.
This is one of the (big) reasons I don't play(work) well with others; when it's time to go, I want to Go!, full on, as hard and as fast as possible, not stopping until it's either done or you can't go on any more and need to stop and regroup before getting back to it (assuming its worth doing in the first place). This is why I like parts of helping people move; it's an ostensibly social effort with many discrete tasks, the creation of ad hoc collaboration for the big pieces that dissolve without comment when handled, and enough to do that I can work at my own (crazed, manic) pace without having to slow down or wait for others, until it's done.
God damn, I'm a fussy bitch about things.
*fuck this "above"/"below" bullshit, seriously
I'm not disciplined in much, if anything; I know that. I coast pretty easily a lot of the time, and get by with very little effort, because for whatever reason, a lot of things are pretty easy (and those that aren't, I tend to avoid initially).
But I do keep coming back to hard things, things I can't put down or leave well enough alone. These don't tend to be things that will make my life materially better in any way, and sometimes the pursuit of them makes it more difficult, if not actually worse. I do work, hard work, but it doesn't show, and often feels like it gets me nowhere. Sometimes I desperately want credit for this work I do, and I'm not sure why. I know part of the reason has to do with defending against the self generated accusation of being a shiftless slacker, which is readily fueled by lack of visible (material/social/occupational/economic/collegial) success.
But dear god, lack of discipline in others pisses me off. Actually, no, that's entirely wrong; I'm going down the wrong path here; lack of results in/with others pisses me off. I can't speak to discipline, since it's largely internal, but results, manifestation of something that smacks of effort or ability or inspiration or the compulsive need to show someone the work, that matters, a lot. Maybe it is about work, not as a redemptive end in itself, but about effort and intent and capability and results.
This is one of the (big) reasons I don't play(work) well with others; when it's time to go, I want to Go!, full on, as hard and as fast as possible, not stopping until it's either done or you can't go on any more and need to stop and regroup before getting back to it (assuming its worth doing in the first place). This is why I like parts of helping people move; it's an ostensibly social effort with many discrete tasks, the creation of ad hoc collaboration for the big pieces that dissolve without comment when handled, and enough to do that I can work at my own (crazed, manic) pace without having to slow down or wait for others, until it's done.
God damn, I'm a fussy bitch about things.
*fuck this "above"/"below" bullshit, seriously