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I actually said out loud yesterday, "I think I'm actually anti-capitalist, and that kind of scares me". It's probably no surprise to all sorts of people; I don't think it's really a surprise to me. It fits within the collection of antis- and -isms I've been accumulating: socialism (with varying modifiers), anticonsumerism, environmentalism, vegetarianism/pescetarianism, antiracism, antisexism. But, even while knowing it, while feeling the awareness bubble to the surface, I studiously avoided saying it out loud, much less to another person. It's an utterance with implications, responsibilities, maybe even duties or obligations, and those are what scare me.
I've got serious issues sometimes with not following ideas to what looks like their logical conclusions* to me. It's what informs my flavor of pacifism, for example; if I believe some motherfuckers should probably die, what does it say about me if I don't work to make that happen? It's a dangerous door to open, so I prefer to keep it closed, and act instead to try and support my beliefs that in general no one should kill anyone else. I rush from one initiatory idea to the most solid conclusion I can envision; it's all about the end or goal, much less about the journey, and I create patterns and structures to fill in the gaps between A and Z almost automatically if they aren't actually there to start with. A lot of my intellectual training, both scholastic and self-motivated, combined with a childhood reward for performative precocity, leads me to this kind of mental anti-zen. I think it's got its uses, but when you've got a hammer, a lot of things look like nails. I'm starting to get wary about getting too close to nails, paying too much attention to them. But sometimes, they really are nails, aren't they?
I've been trying to deconstruct my own complicity in the officially endorsed narrative of consumerism for years now. It started to click for me when I realized citizenship was being cast in terms of consumption, and that pissed me off. A lot of my motivation, probably too much, starts with being pissed off. I'm deeply suspicious of the commodification of ethics and duties, like Whole Foods, hybrid SUVs, greenwashing, etc. I honestly don't think we, or any one, can consume our way to freedom or sustainability, but I still buy (hopefully informed) green or used when I can. If something like good food, sustainable building or health care should be a right, then it shouldn't also be an article of conspicuous consumption; the manifestation of ethics should not be a status symbol.
But this is exactly how marketing works, and we're all vulnerable. I know I am. I consume a lot less than I used to, certainly less than someone of my household income in the US is supposed to, and when I do spend, I try to keep it as local as possible. I don't like that money is an empty sign with too much unquestioned, assigned value, but I haven't escaped it, so I try to target where I apply it when I can, while still feeling like it's not enough. I give increasing amounts to charities in which I believe, but it doesn't buy me any sense of moral satisfaction. Yet still, when I feel a certain flavor of dissatisfaction, loneliness or emptiness, a part of my mind tries to find something I can buy to fill that: books, music, momentary distraction (movies, clubs), food and drink. I know it's not going to fulfill me, but I don't know what will.
Marketing works by identifying or creating a void, and then suggesting a product or service to fill that void, for a cost. I've been actively examining the latter end of that equation; like Lloyd Dobbler, I don't want to buy anything sold or processed if I can help it (and sometimes I can't). But I consume media, which means I consume marketing. I'm getting better at resisting the imperative, but I'm not so good at resisting the relentless pitches of insufficiency, inadequacy and lack; I still feel the holes, even though I try not to buy the branded plugs and patches for them. This often means I'm a very lonely, unhappy citizen-consumer.
It has been suggested, locally and globally, that human interaction, person to person connection and engagement are the original needs that were painted over and repackaged to create the ever hungry atomized consumer. I know I have a high need for affiliation, for connection, but combined with my own insecurities** I predict rejection and suspicion in advance. I don't believe individual action can save us or accomplish much towards a goal, but I don't know how to connect to or work with groups. I fight what feels like the submersion of my own identity as though my life depended on it, and then feel miserably alone and hopeless because I can't see any way to contribute, to utilize my time and effort in a way that makes any noticeable difference.
And that's why the overt anti-capitalist stance scares me. I worry that it will only further isolate me as I step out of yet another largely comfortable, possibly unquestioned public stream. I mean, I believe it; I think the current capitalist system is fundamentally unethical and contingent on base inequality, leading to profits for the few at the expense of suffering and death of the many. I can't not face that any longer, and that puts me on the hook for those beliefs. But I don't know how to engage in any way to make a difference. I certainly don't think I can talk about it with individuals who aren't already fellow traveler inclined; questioning the unspoken premises of capitalism is as fraught with danger as questioning binary gender or mandatory heterosexuality, in my experience, except maybe spurring even more defensiveness. I don't know how to engage without conflict, and don't know how to live and let live on this. I don't know how to find or work with others to create something different, even on the most local of scales. I don't even know how to give money in a way that feels like it makes a difference, is in line with my ideals. I'm afraid this sense of helpless isolation will only increase with time, and I very much don't want that. It feels like it would be a stupid waste, when I'm increasingly committed to less waste and less stupidity.
So, I don't know what to do.
*it bears repeating: specious logic is still a form of logic
**neither better nor worse than anyone else, just uniquely my own
I've got serious issues sometimes with not following ideas to what looks like their logical conclusions* to me. It's what informs my flavor of pacifism, for example; if I believe some motherfuckers should probably die, what does it say about me if I don't work to make that happen? It's a dangerous door to open, so I prefer to keep it closed, and act instead to try and support my beliefs that in general no one should kill anyone else. I rush from one initiatory idea to the most solid conclusion I can envision; it's all about the end or goal, much less about the journey, and I create patterns and structures to fill in the gaps between A and Z almost automatically if they aren't actually there to start with. A lot of my intellectual training, both scholastic and self-motivated, combined with a childhood reward for performative precocity, leads me to this kind of mental anti-zen. I think it's got its uses, but when you've got a hammer, a lot of things look like nails. I'm starting to get wary about getting too close to nails, paying too much attention to them. But sometimes, they really are nails, aren't they?
I've been trying to deconstruct my own complicity in the officially endorsed narrative of consumerism for years now. It started to click for me when I realized citizenship was being cast in terms of consumption, and that pissed me off. A lot of my motivation, probably too much, starts with being pissed off. I'm deeply suspicious of the commodification of ethics and duties, like Whole Foods, hybrid SUVs, greenwashing, etc. I honestly don't think we, or any one, can consume our way to freedom or sustainability, but I still buy (hopefully informed) green or used when I can. If something like good food, sustainable building or health care should be a right, then it shouldn't also be an article of conspicuous consumption; the manifestation of ethics should not be a status symbol.
But this is exactly how marketing works, and we're all vulnerable. I know I am. I consume a lot less than I used to, certainly less than someone of my household income in the US is supposed to, and when I do spend, I try to keep it as local as possible. I don't like that money is an empty sign with too much unquestioned, assigned value, but I haven't escaped it, so I try to target where I apply it when I can, while still feeling like it's not enough. I give increasing amounts to charities in which I believe, but it doesn't buy me any sense of moral satisfaction. Yet still, when I feel a certain flavor of dissatisfaction, loneliness or emptiness, a part of my mind tries to find something I can buy to fill that: books, music, momentary distraction (movies, clubs), food and drink. I know it's not going to fulfill me, but I don't know what will.
Marketing works by identifying or creating a void, and then suggesting a product or service to fill that void, for a cost. I've been actively examining the latter end of that equation; like Lloyd Dobbler, I don't want to buy anything sold or processed if I can help it (and sometimes I can't). But I consume media, which means I consume marketing. I'm getting better at resisting the imperative, but I'm not so good at resisting the relentless pitches of insufficiency, inadequacy and lack; I still feel the holes, even though I try not to buy the branded plugs and patches for them. This often means I'm a very lonely, unhappy citizen-consumer.
It has been suggested, locally and globally, that human interaction, person to person connection and engagement are the original needs that were painted over and repackaged to create the ever hungry atomized consumer. I know I have a high need for affiliation, for connection, but combined with my own insecurities** I predict rejection and suspicion in advance. I don't believe individual action can save us or accomplish much towards a goal, but I don't know how to connect to or work with groups. I fight what feels like the submersion of my own identity as though my life depended on it, and then feel miserably alone and hopeless because I can't see any way to contribute, to utilize my time and effort in a way that makes any noticeable difference.
And that's why the overt anti-capitalist stance scares me. I worry that it will only further isolate me as I step out of yet another largely comfortable, possibly unquestioned public stream. I mean, I believe it; I think the current capitalist system is fundamentally unethical and contingent on base inequality, leading to profits for the few at the expense of suffering and death of the many. I can't not face that any longer, and that puts me on the hook for those beliefs. But I don't know how to engage in any way to make a difference. I certainly don't think I can talk about it with individuals who aren't already fellow traveler inclined; questioning the unspoken premises of capitalism is as fraught with danger as questioning binary gender or mandatory heterosexuality, in my experience, except maybe spurring even more defensiveness. I don't know how to engage without conflict, and don't know how to live and let live on this. I don't know how to find or work with others to create something different, even on the most local of scales. I don't even know how to give money in a way that feels like it makes a difference, is in line with my ideals. I'm afraid this sense of helpless isolation will only increase with time, and I very much don't want that. It feels like it would be a stupid waste, when I'm increasingly committed to less waste and less stupidity.
So, I don't know what to do.
*it bears repeating: specious logic is still a form of logic
**neither better nor worse than anyone else, just uniquely my own
