(no subject)

Huh. Apparently it's Transgender Awareness Week, Monday to Friday. I'm not sure which is worse, the near deafening silence on it, or the creeping certainty I have that any mentions will be all about making room for transgender men and women. Invisibility or mislabeled, misassigned visibility? Fuck it all, I need to find a way out of that either/or. I don't really want to compete in the 1000m Alienation at the Existential Olympics.

But, some of this isn't going to change. I had a sort of epiphany Sunday, driving and looking at people enjoying the sun. Even if I could reach into my head and pull out the part that sees binary gender, it would only be a temporary reprieve. Even just from watching, I think I'd quickly reconstruct the sorting people do of themselves and others, and gender would come right back in. I don't know what to do about this.

(no subject)

It's not fair that one small piece of information can turn an easy "That's it, you suck!" dismissal into a huge, ugly "You may suck, but it's a piece of larger, inescapable suck that I thought I was numb to, and oh god, here it comes again!" anguish. While it may be unfair, I'd rather demonize and dismiss than face my reality that almost no one ever feels safe, that pain and danger can come at any time, in any circumstance.

And it pisses me off that the person in question is someone I have to consider as a fully-fledged human now: one that fucked up, badly, didn't apologize or try to make amends, and probably gets a degree of release I don't get by some guilt action, but still, human. That means it could be damned near anyone, and I hate that.