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Nov. 30th, 2009
(no subject)
Nov. 30th, 2009 09:48 pmI'm feeling kind of surly and losery today. I've got my (physical) health, I've got excellent people in my life, I have consistent access to safe food and water and what is historically an unprecedented access to luxury and leisure. And yet, amidst this embarrassment of riches, I'm still profoundly unhappy.
I don't think it's chemical; given the slightest excuse, brief bits of happiness sprout and bloom, leading me to suspect that my base wiring is more towards the happy than not. It's hard to think it's just my gender issues; others with adjacent experiences, and at least some similarity of desires find ways to live and find fulfillment. But maybe their aim is different? Maybe the similarities arise from places where arcs run alongside tangents, or some other, more complicated geometries; maybe a few points close to one another aren't sufficient to compare, but then the whole idea of comparing anything to anything comes into question and all meaning falls apart.
I don't think it's just a decision to be happy, though. I read about ostensibly mystical acceptance, life without apparent judgment or criteria, and it reads as the willing death of the mind, the suspension of intellect and an embrace of something like placid stupor, and I can't imagine wanting anything like that for myself; if I did, I'd seek out prescription psychoactives. I hear doctors are giving them out like candy these days.
I don't know why I'm unhappy, but I am. It feels like I'm running out of potential reasons or excuses, avenues for investigation. From that perspective, it's hard not to start to draw the conclusion that it is me, that I'm doing something wrong, or that there's just some wrong state about me, and I have no idea how to fix that.
I don't think it's chemical; given the slightest excuse, brief bits of happiness sprout and bloom, leading me to suspect that my base wiring is more towards the happy than not. It's hard to think it's just my gender issues; others with adjacent experiences, and at least some similarity of desires find ways to live and find fulfillment. But maybe their aim is different? Maybe the similarities arise from places where arcs run alongside tangents, or some other, more complicated geometries; maybe a few points close to one another aren't sufficient to compare, but then the whole idea of comparing anything to anything comes into question and all meaning falls apart.
I don't think it's just a decision to be happy, though. I read about ostensibly mystical acceptance, life without apparent judgment or criteria, and it reads as the willing death of the mind, the suspension of intellect and an embrace of something like placid stupor, and I can't imagine wanting anything like that for myself; if I did, I'd seek out prescription psychoactives. I hear doctors are giving them out like candy these days.
I don't know why I'm unhappy, but I am. It feels like I'm running out of potential reasons or excuses, avenues for investigation. From that perspective, it's hard not to start to draw the conclusion that it is me, that I'm doing something wrong, or that there's just some wrong state about me, and I have no idea how to fix that.