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fuck the nation of nouns
Dec. 10th, 2009 12:30 amI want to drink myself into an aggressive stupor. I'm desperate for angry, unrestrained, no holds barred, no penalty or grudge full on fucking release, but I know it's pointless, a fool's errand. I look at junkies, alcoholics and nihilists and I'm jealous, because at least they can let go; me, no matter how fucked up I am, there's always restraint.
I'm sick to death of being the special case, the difficult one, the one for whom there has to be a briefing and a fucking test. I'm no more reliant on the opinion of others than most, it's just that I'm lucky enough to be conceptually excluded so that it looks like I am. I am always prepared for people to fuck up, to inadvertently swing wildly and hit me in the face, and I know that I'm expected to just take it when it happens, because people are just doing what people do, acting how people act. If I swing back, call attention to the transgression, pain and assault, I'm the aggressor, the deviant, the difficult one. Is it so hard to believe that at any moment, in any social situation, you may be doing unintentional harm to others?
Fuck, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that, which means I fully expect at any moment to be told I'm doing it, too. I try to be prepared for that, to hear it when it's told to me, try to realize that maybe the fist in my face isn't unmotivated, but might be a defensive act from someone who's just had enough of being hit. Because I've been there, I'm open to being that well meaning asshole who does damage no matter her intentions. I like to think I'm big enough to not take it personally, to take my lumps, and then to work to make others suffer less. I fuck up, I fail, I do harm, but god damn it, I try to make the world a better place, not just for people like me, but for anyone who tells me they're hurting, even if I'm implicated. Especially if I'm implicated.
I'm sick to death of being the special case, the difficult one, the one for whom there has to be a briefing and a fucking test. I'm no more reliant on the opinion of others than most, it's just that I'm lucky enough to be conceptually excluded so that it looks like I am. I am always prepared for people to fuck up, to inadvertently swing wildly and hit me in the face, and I know that I'm expected to just take it when it happens, because people are just doing what people do, acting how people act. If I swing back, call attention to the transgression, pain and assault, I'm the aggressor, the deviant, the difficult one. Is it so hard to believe that at any moment, in any social situation, you may be doing unintentional harm to others?
Fuck, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that, which means I fully expect at any moment to be told I'm doing it, too. I try to be prepared for that, to hear it when it's told to me, try to realize that maybe the fist in my face isn't unmotivated, but might be a defensive act from someone who's just had enough of being hit. Because I've been there, I'm open to being that well meaning asshole who does damage no matter her intentions. I like to think I'm big enough to not take it personally, to take my lumps, and then to work to make others suffer less. I fuck up, I fail, I do harm, but god damn it, I try to make the world a better place, not just for people like me, but for anyone who tells me they're hurting, even if I'm implicated. Especially if I'm implicated.
