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within, without
Apr. 8th, 2010 08:30 pmIt's no good to be bad to someone else just because I'm feeling bad myself. That's something I've believed for some years, but focused on the immediacy of my present. Very recently, I'm looking backward with that in mind, and it makes me cringe, because I have been bad, sometimes very bad, to others because I felt like shit myself. To external eyes, there were almost certainly times in which I was a relentless bully, and it's no defense against that accusation to say that I felt small, weak, and bereft on the inside while it was happening. The world inside my head isn't the only world that matters, particularly when it comes to my own ethics and their implementation.
It's not fair to treat others badly just because you feel small and weak. I believe this to my core, and I'm trying, really hard, to live it. But there are times when I feel under such duress, so stretched and drawn that I have no reserves, no buffers. In those moments I've snapped, thrown unkind words or ideas at those who on other days would barely have registered, but by accident of time and place were the proverbial straw that breaks my back. It's not right, but I don't know that I can always stop it from happening. When there is no energy left, there's no energy to hold that back, no energy to be consigned to others, and barely enough to hold myself together.
How does this fit into the ethical framework? When I'm flush, I find it easy to be kind. I tend to be an expansive, inclusive inebriate. Does it mean less because it costs me less, proportionally? Kindness when I'm low and feeling besieged becomes a double bladed thing of asceticism; if I'm kind to others when low, it makes me good, and if I'm using that energy on others, it means I'm denying myself, an abjection of self that in an unhealthy way often feels good. I don't know how to balance these things, or how they all fit together. I'd like to be more consistently kind to others, but I have no clue how to be kind to myself, and I suspect they may well be related.
It's not fair to treat others badly just because you feel small and weak. I believe this to my core, and I'm trying, really hard, to live it. But there are times when I feel under such duress, so stretched and drawn that I have no reserves, no buffers. In those moments I've snapped, thrown unkind words or ideas at those who on other days would barely have registered, but by accident of time and place were the proverbial straw that breaks my back. It's not right, but I don't know that I can always stop it from happening. When there is no energy left, there's no energy to hold that back, no energy to be consigned to others, and barely enough to hold myself together.
How does this fit into the ethical framework? When I'm flush, I find it easy to be kind. I tend to be an expansive, inclusive inebriate. Does it mean less because it costs me less, proportionally? Kindness when I'm low and feeling besieged becomes a double bladed thing of asceticism; if I'm kind to others when low, it makes me good, and if I'm using that energy on others, it means I'm denying myself, an abjection of self that in an unhealthy way often feels good. I don't know how to balance these things, or how they all fit together. I'd like to be more consistently kind to others, but I have no clue how to be kind to myself, and I suspect they may well be related.
