redefinition

There is some girl-shaped space I'd always meant to claim for myself, but I've not been doing it. I've been waiting for...something, what I don't know. Maybe some magical critical mass from hormones? A theoretical perspective so clear and articulate that everything just made sense to everyone? I don't have either of those. I might not ever. I don't know how well to say what I mean. I don't know what it would look like. but I think I've been doing myself a disservice. I want, need to try something different. Anticipating the negative only keeps me scared and motionless. As a work in progress, I'd like to try this:

Think of me as a girl with a penis, who isn't at all concerned with man/woman definitions or male/female domains. I mean to invoke some mobile, queer slipperiness in the utilization of "girl", one that is not necessarily at odds or in conflict with "boy", that does not foreclose possibilities but opens them. I'm more butch than a lot of people, more femme than most have ever known, and much more beyond either. In trying to claim this for myself I'm not taking sides or invoking team membership, but am trying to provide a more readily accessible set of initial meanings and a beachhead for me into the scary, dangerous, necessary world.

(no subject)

Something pleasant and easy: I would like a chance to catch my breath before moving on to the next big, difficult thing, please.

fear

I'm not really afraid of spiders any more; why doesn't that seem to count?