(no subject)

Talking with New Therapist today about borderline personality disorder, I pointed out that while I thought many of the traits applied to me, one that was required by the APA was self harm. I said I didn't have that one, which meant I could only have borderline like traits, still useful for a tool for understanding. NT said she definitely thought I engaged in self harm, just psychologically instead of physically. Not sure what to do with that.

(no subject)

There was about 30 seconds between waking and realizing what was going on before it all came crashing back. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, my stomach. I scared, hurt, and afraid of what it means if anger comes to live inside me. This is a big deal.

hopefully a good omen

I woke up with Underneath It All stuck in my head. Thank you, dj oracle-in-my-head.

FA: public update

Going no-ho for a while, not sure how long. I don't really remember what it felt like, and am not sure I was accurately reporting, even to myself, back then. I'm not questioning my identity; that's stronger than ever. I'm still not a man, not a woman, something more girl shaped (inside, at least) than not, but I don't have all the data it feels like I need to have to best assess my course. Plus, there are some sex things; I need to try and figure out what's controlled in my head, my heart and my endocrine system.

(no subject)

I've lost between three and five pounds over the last ten days, and in spite of how fucked up that is, a voice in my head says, "Good. You look better thinner*". How fucked up is that? I want the best parts of the boy and girl package, not the fucked up parts.



*about 162 at 6'3"