(no subject)

I'm really starting to dislike my job. "What next?" is a difficult question for me to answer.

in the everyday

I don't know when it was that washing dishes by hand started to be useful, meaningful beyond having clean plates. It's not that it's mindless; I've checked out before, just going through the motions without paying attention and have gotten some pretty impressive cuts for my inattention. But it's not that it requires constant, focused attention, either. I'm able to to the required tasks, to attend just enough, with just enough presence, that it opens up something else, some other space in my head for other things to process at the same time, a strange combination of stillness, activity, presence and mental processing all at once. I have noticed, over the years, that when I'm a flavor of unhappy that requires some action, I've tended to wash dishes. Strangely, I think I prefer that to even walking, which is often so automatic and unfocused as to release too much to my mind.

Cooking gets me some of this, but I'm not as comfortable with that yet to consistently get the same results. What tends to happen is an initial cleaning of the kitchen, then cooking, then cleaning again, ending in results you can eat. It's a very curious thing, to be process, end and something else oriented all at once.

(no subject)

I had my first drink of alcohol in a week and a half or more tonight, and honestly it was for the bubbles, not the booze (my throat was bothering me). It strikes me as interesting that I have had no desire for my favorite, most consistent solvent. I wonder how long this will last?