(no subject)

Things are... different. They're not back to normal. I think that's good; I don't like the old normal. It did not serve well, it was insufficient. Going back to that would be going back to something I do not want, something that probably outlived its usefulness long ago. It hurts, it will hurt. I'm afraid of all the pain I've been afraid of all my life coming to me, now that I'm unprotected and out in the (relative) open. Maybe at some point the pain will start to shade into something else, maybe better or more. If nothing else, maybe the fear of pain will recede. I don't feel numb; I'm definitely feeling things, I'm just not sure what.

Speaking to New Therapist today about shame, I realized that one of the things I'm afraid of is that one of the kernels may be an uncrossable gap between me and the world outside of me, my sense of self and how others will always see me. If that's there, it may be unresolvable. I don't know how to face a rent like that. Cognitive dissonance doesn't do it justice, isn't strong enough. I can change how I react to it, but I don't know if I can face the potential reality that it's always there, the space between me and everyone who's not me. It's sobering.