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Aug. 15th, 2010 04:22 pmIt's not all gender. At core, I know that. I've got a special something extra of unfairness and pain on top of the usual complaints, but it's not where my problems come from. It has become a convenient tag, an excuse as to why I can't be happy, why no one can be trusted, why nothing will ever be safe or good enough. It's become my hedge against failure, by assuming failure from the outset, then trying to claw back anything short of that and paint it as a form of success.
Some things in my life have failed because of my gender issues and others' reactions to them (notably, some relationships). That's not everything. I know that intellectually, but I don't know how to reconcile that knowledge with the feeling that it is not safe for me to try and be myself in the world. The terror is deep, and old, and my intellect doesn't do much good there. I'm not a brave person when it comes down to things like this, things like taking care of myself. I'll throw down in a heartbeat for strangers and loved ones, but I let myself fall under the wheels time and time again. Where the fuck did all this self hatred come from?
Some things in my life have failed because of my gender issues and others' reactions to them (notably, some relationships). That's not everything. I know that intellectually, but I don't know how to reconcile that knowledge with the feeling that it is not safe for me to try and be myself in the world. The terror is deep, and old, and my intellect doesn't do much good there. I'm not a brave person when it comes down to things like this, things like taking care of myself. I'll throw down in a heartbeat for strangers and loved ones, but I let myself fall under the wheels time and time again. Where the fuck did all this self hatred come from?
