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quarterly update
Mar. 20th, 2011 04:16 pmIt's the equinox today, and while I don't mark it in any religious way*, it's an important day to me. Spring is traditionally my favorite season in which everything is brimming with life, and all that has lain dormant explodes into vibrancy. It's also a good time to pause and take stock, and see if any adjustments are called for.
In the early parts of winter, I declared 2011 to be the year my feet touch ground. Full of synaesthetic metaphor, it seemed not so much a statement of hope as much as something that was almost a foregone conclusion. I was going to plant my feet, inhabit my space, build and find joy. Today, it feels like I'm on hold, or worse, failing.
I've been working; I've definitely been working. I don't think that it's the slow plodding work that doesn't show incremental progress towards success that's getting me down. This year and the next were/are going to be a time of drastic change for me, and while I don't know what form this change will take, I have some ideas (physicality, manifestation of self/gender, choosing some directions, committing). I think I'm becoming dispirited, that the slow, normotic grind of daily life is pulling me down, sucking away my escape velocity. I feel exhausted, and yet I've barely begun. I've traded fear (the overriding, ever present fear) for sadness and pain. I feel more in touch with my emotions, but I don't know what to do with them.
Today, folding laundry, I just broke down into tears. I don't know why. I don't have a particularly bad relationship with laundry, and there's no pressing issue or issues. I feel behind on everything; I haven't been writing, haven't started my gardening yet, feel disconnected from my oracles because I've been away too long, feel like I'm falling behind on the normal, day to day things and find myself doing ever so slightly less over time because I'm just so tired.
I want to be in tune with Spring, want to feel the bursting forth of life and energy. It's just begun, so it's probably premature to feel behind on that, too, but I do. I don't know what to do.
*Honestly, I don't think I mark anything in a religious way (but much more on that later)
In the early parts of winter, I declared 2011 to be the year my feet touch ground. Full of synaesthetic metaphor, it seemed not so much a statement of hope as much as something that was almost a foregone conclusion. I was going to plant my feet, inhabit my space, build and find joy. Today, it feels like I'm on hold, or worse, failing.
I've been working; I've definitely been working. I don't think that it's the slow plodding work that doesn't show incremental progress towards success that's getting me down. This year and the next were/are going to be a time of drastic change for me, and while I don't know what form this change will take, I have some ideas (physicality, manifestation of self/gender, choosing some directions, committing). I think I'm becoming dispirited, that the slow, normotic grind of daily life is pulling me down, sucking away my escape velocity. I feel exhausted, and yet I've barely begun. I've traded fear (the overriding, ever present fear) for sadness and pain. I feel more in touch with my emotions, but I don't know what to do with them.
Today, folding laundry, I just broke down into tears. I don't know why. I don't have a particularly bad relationship with laundry, and there's no pressing issue or issues. I feel behind on everything; I haven't been writing, haven't started my gardening yet, feel disconnected from my oracles because I've been away too long, feel like I'm falling behind on the normal, day to day things and find myself doing ever so slightly less over time because I'm just so tired.
I want to be in tune with Spring, want to feel the bursting forth of life and energy. It's just begun, so it's probably premature to feel behind on that, too, but I do. I don't know what to do.
*Honestly, I don't think I mark anything in a religious way (but much more on that later)
