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Jul. 6th, 2014 04:35 pmIt's been quite a while since I really engaged here. I have been consumed by other things: work, the illness of an S.O., books and video games. The repressed need to write has been persistent, and if I'm paying attention accurately, growing. I feel quite out of the habit of diving into my own self, which makes me wonder if my absence here (or really, writing in general) has been some continued avoidance.
The beautiful embracing lushness of southern summer reminds me of neglected connections with the world and the presences I encounter there; I've really not been good at dealing with that part of my life the past few years. The patient, embracing acceptance waiting for me makes me even less inclined to reconnect, and I know it's my own struggle with guilt and feeling unworthy. The best advice on that front I have ever encountered is: do not dishonor the gifts or the givers because you feel unworthy; they have been given to you for a reason, so accept them. Easier said than done, but still very much on my mind.
I feel like I don't know how to connect with people in meaningful ways at the moment. I've gone through a period of seclusion and intense introspection, leaving me feeling like most of my human connections have atrophied. I could probably pick them up where I left them with some work, but the seclusion has helped me to see that the connections I had were unsatisfying in the way that I experienced them, and that maybe I can and should reach for satisfaction. Theoretical, but how to actualize? I keep tripping over gender/trans issues. The story I tell myself is that if I feel like I can't talk about trans issues with people, then any other connection I experience is based on misinterpretation at best, deception at worst, and therefore suspect, if not meaningless. Unwinding that knot is complicated, and a recurring subject with my very insightful therapist.
I intend to engage more here. Even if no one reads, it's better than the shallows of FB, and feels less cliqueish than G+. It's probably memory coloring my perception. I have decided to be OK with that.
The beautiful embracing lushness of southern summer reminds me of neglected connections with the world and the presences I encounter there; I've really not been good at dealing with that part of my life the past few years. The patient, embracing acceptance waiting for me makes me even less inclined to reconnect, and I know it's my own struggle with guilt and feeling unworthy. The best advice on that front I have ever encountered is: do not dishonor the gifts or the givers because you feel unworthy; they have been given to you for a reason, so accept them. Easier said than done, but still very much on my mind.
I feel like I don't know how to connect with people in meaningful ways at the moment. I've gone through a period of seclusion and intense introspection, leaving me feeling like most of my human connections have atrophied. I could probably pick them up where I left them with some work, but the seclusion has helped me to see that the connections I had were unsatisfying in the way that I experienced them, and that maybe I can and should reach for satisfaction. Theoretical, but how to actualize? I keep tripping over gender/trans issues. The story I tell myself is that if I feel like I can't talk about trans issues with people, then any other connection I experience is based on misinterpretation at best, deception at worst, and therefore suspect, if not meaningless. Unwinding that knot is complicated, and a recurring subject with my very insightful therapist.
I intend to engage more here. Even if no one reads, it's better than the shallows of FB, and feels less cliqueish than G+. It's probably memory coloring my perception. I have decided to be OK with that.
