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Mar. 28th, 2021 07:23 amThere's a scene in Lizzie Borden's excellent 1986 film "Working Girls" in which an older male professor (I think, or maybe just classically educated) is talking with our MC, also academically trained ("She went to a good school", the madam explained to the client) after a heavy session of d/s sex where he kept repeating "I am completely in your power".
Molly (our MC) says, "That was a little Oedipal, don't you think?". The well-educated, patrician john replies something to the effect of, "One thing I can tell you, my dear: never let your education get in the way of a good fuck." The movie itself is smart, feminist, sex positive and capitalist negative in all the right ways. That scene sticks with me as separate and distinct, because I don't know how to do that.
I often say that grad school permanently changed my mind (which it did), by implication that the always on, always analyzing, always thinking part of me was formed there. I don't actually think that's true; I think that part of me got a giant set of tools to which it took with great engagement: names, ideas, structures, methods, and the knowledge that everything is potentially a valid subject for analysis, up to and including/especially the self.
I get in my own way so much, particularly around sex. Structuralism and applied philosophy (combined no doubt with some degree of early childhood maladaption,using the self as test lab for skills and ideas, and a persistent desire to chase things down to as close to the root as possible makes in me a mess of recrimination, judgment, timidity and lack of agency).Intellectually I know that purity doesn't exist, that we are all coopted by the forces and structures in play around us at all times, that cultures are both pervasive and invasive, and that we are of where we are, not separate. I know all of this, and tend not to judge others who exhibit even the tiniest hint of self-awareness and willingness to look deeper.
But that's for *other* people, apparently. I am responsible for all the toxic connections and implications I track into even the thought of sexy times, and would be able to decouple those links if only I was a better... philosopher? thinker? human? Structural analysis can absolutely ruin a moment, even a fantasy. Intrusive thoughts like "you know what this means in larger social context, and where it comes from, right? how do you feel about propagating something you hate in pursuit of getting off?"
I worry that this could become Ouroborean; shame and self-judgment becoming the frisson of crossing borders that can sometimes jumpstart the engines. Add in degrees of closeting, repression, traumatic history and it becomes a funnel of quicksand in which I find myself.
Molly (our MC) says, "That was a little Oedipal, don't you think?". The well-educated, patrician john replies something to the effect of, "One thing I can tell you, my dear: never let your education get in the way of a good fuck." The movie itself is smart, feminist, sex positive and capitalist negative in all the right ways. That scene sticks with me as separate and distinct, because I don't know how to do that.
I often say that grad school permanently changed my mind (which it did), by implication that the always on, always analyzing, always thinking part of me was formed there. I don't actually think that's true; I think that part of me got a giant set of tools to which it took with great engagement: names, ideas, structures, methods, and the knowledge that everything is potentially a valid subject for analysis, up to and including/especially the self.
I get in my own way so much, particularly around sex. Structuralism and applied philosophy (combined no doubt with some degree of early childhood maladaption,using the self as test lab for skills and ideas, and a persistent desire to chase things down to as close to the root as possible makes in me a mess of recrimination, judgment, timidity and lack of agency).Intellectually I know that purity doesn't exist, that we are all coopted by the forces and structures in play around us at all times, that cultures are both pervasive and invasive, and that we are of where we are, not separate. I know all of this, and tend not to judge others who exhibit even the tiniest hint of self-awareness and willingness to look deeper.
But that's for *other* people, apparently. I am responsible for all the toxic connections and implications I track into even the thought of sexy times, and would be able to decouple those links if only I was a better... philosopher? thinker? human? Structural analysis can absolutely ruin a moment, even a fantasy. Intrusive thoughts like "you know what this means in larger social context, and where it comes from, right? how do you feel about propagating something you hate in pursuit of getting off?"
I worry that this could become Ouroborean; shame and self-judgment becoming the frisson of crossing borders that can sometimes jumpstart the engines. Add in degrees of closeting, repression, traumatic history and it becomes a funnel of quicksand in which I find myself.
