But my goal isn't your goal. My goal also isn't to be the classical "transsexual", and though certain people want to force me into that, I do push positionality out of it, without attempting to justify it (which makes a lot of people uncomfortable with me outside the internet). As I said, the justification game is a tar-baby. That's what frustrates me with a lot of trans-folk. They play right into that and it only makes it harder for us Outlaws.
On the other hand, I know some of those classic MTF and FTM folk who are perfectly wonderful and are trying to make sense out of how they feel.
One of my problems is that I don't know what I am and I can't explain it in a simple identity bubble. I can describe what I want to be with adjectives and maybe gerunds, but not as a noun. (except as a humorous take on myself)
Thus the "ineffabelle" moniker. I am a Belle. But I am ineffable beyond that. I'm in solidarity with trans folk in the same way that smart feminists are in solidarity with other feminists, as far as it goes against the patriarchy, but don't identify themselves as "one of you".
I also feel envious and a bit sad when I see these (especially young) mtfs who "just do it" blithely, and I wonder "how did you pull it off?... Make with the secrets here". And it turns out there isn't one, it's just 10000 times easier when you're young, and then I'm like "how am I going to pull this off?" - but as we've discussed, not pulling it off is no longer an option. I refuse to get rebuffed by statistics and social mechanisms designed to push me into the trash can. And if I do go out, I'm going to make as much noise as I can on the way into oblivion.
And it angers me when people get upset with me for being "defiant". Because they don't understand that there are no options left here. I cannot not do this. So if the world tells me "you can't do this", well defiance is the only possible stance left. I am going to or die trying.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2007-08-26 06:55 pm (UTC)But my goal isn't your goal. My goal also isn't to be the classical "transsexual", and though certain people want to force me into that, I do push positionality out of it, without attempting to justify it (which makes a lot of people uncomfortable with me outside the internet).
As I said, the justification game is a tar-baby.
That's what frustrates me with a lot of trans-folk. They play right into that and it only makes it harder for us Outlaws.
On the other hand, I know some of those classic MTF and FTM folk who are perfectly wonderful and are trying to make sense out of how they feel.
One of my problems is that I don't know what I am and I can't explain it in a simple identity bubble. I can describe what I want to be with adjectives and maybe gerunds, but not as a noun. (except as a humorous take on myself)
Thus the "ineffabelle" moniker. I am a Belle. But I am ineffable beyond that. I'm in solidarity with trans folk in the same way that smart feminists are in solidarity with other feminists, as far as it goes against the patriarchy, but don't identify themselves as "one of you".
I also feel envious and a bit sad when I see these (especially young) mtfs who "just do it" blithely, and I wonder "how did you pull it off?... Make with the secrets here". And it turns out there isn't one, it's just 10000 times easier when you're young, and then I'm like "how am I going to pull this off?" - but as we've discussed, not pulling it off is no longer an option. I refuse to get rebuffed by statistics and social mechanisms designed to push me into the trash can.
And if I do go out, I'm going to make as much noise as I can on the way into oblivion.
And it angers me when people get upset with me for being "defiant". Because they don't understand that there are no options left here. I cannot not do this. So if the world tells me "you can't do this", well defiance is the only possible stance left. I am going to or die trying.