The thing is, I don't know how to let it go. The personalized package of my socialization has many, many avenues that lead to the same center: me, restrained, my own jailer lest someone else be forced to do it for me. I can get glimpses, when alone, and over time, more and more in some contexts, but the ruthlessness and amorality give me pause, and then the doubt and castigation pour in via that gap.