(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

To pick up in the same neighborhood as before, if not the same address:

Not knowing things really bugs me; I don't know that I've ever outgrown that toddleresque demand of "Why?". I suspect that it's only been compounded with age, as I become more aware of that I do not know as I learn more. I don't think I want to know everything, just everything in which I am interested (only the tiniest of differences, practically). In a way, I think this ties into the "rules" discussion; not knowing the social landscape, the bounds and penalties, makes me unsettled, for the previously discussed reasons, as well as the whole just not knowing.

This retreat to conservative possibilities is ceasing to serve, I think. I keep having the nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something, or potentially something, and really have no one to blame for this but myself. I don't think it's just hesitation; if I don't know the lay of things, I often don't know how to proceed, no matter how I may want to. It becomes something that nags at me, this desire for more/better/different, with little navigational assistance that I can find. I envy greatly those who seem to navigate by some internal sense, and who seem to misstep substantially less than I think I do (I'm willing to grant that, not being privy to the internal dialogues, it may be all appearance). There are people with whom I want to be closer, those already close with whom I want interactions to be richer, and the one with whom I want them to be clear and unfiltered. I'm greedy, I guess, and impatient.

Comments

[fairyhead.livejournal.com]

I envy greatly those who seem to navigate by some internal sense, and who seem to misstep substantially less than I think I do (I'm willing to grant that, not being privy to the internal dialogues, it may be all appearance).

From my experience, at least, I perceive that I'm misstepping all the time. I think, though, that I've got this concept that I'm kind of on hot coals, so can't really take time to stop and think, it's that I *must* keep stepping, else I'll lose all ability to walk.

When I stop to think about it, I'm willing to bet that you don't see me as misstepping much ...

[champignon.livejournal.com]

Fuck it. I had a nicely put response to this, and LiveJournal managed to eat it, even though I copied it.

I don't think I can rewrite it now, but the gist of it was that I often feel the frustration that I interpret your post to be expressing.

My view of things, though, is that no one starts out navigating. Navigating, to me, implies you already know that lay of the land, so to speak. We have to start out exploring. It's like one of those video games where the layout of the terrain is blacked out until you've explored it. As you progress, bit by bit you uncover a map. To progress, you have to move around and explore, taking the chance that you'll run into traps and monsters, but also unexpected good things. It's a scary process, and some people more than others seem more fearless of, or less sensitive to, groping about in the dark.

As you explore, you begin to learn the lay of things--draw a mental map--until you are then able to begin navigating. Of course, life is change and you can never be sure exactly how to navigate. Having the map doesn't mean the road is still there or is passable. So there's always at least a modicum of scary exploration.

It makes me feel better to think that the problem lies in something I can work on--learning to make bigger, more assured exploratory steps--than something impossible--finding the unwritten map that doesn't exist anywhere in full.

We all know our own missteps all too well. But usually others only see our progress. And the trail we leave, but if that goes all over the place, they just think us curious and/or thorough. I think. :-)