I think that's exactly it, the point you made in your last paragraph; if I say what I need to say, take the action I need to take for myself, it removes the last ridiculous hope that I might have a "normal happy family" sort of connection. And I think the reason I worry so much about the possible perception that it would be all my fault is because that's the story being told, about me and about others who don't fit in for whatever reason; the problem is them for being different, not with the unkind and unfair ways others deal with difference when they encounter it.

Thanks for the lengthy response. It does help diminish the feeling of isolation and alienation.