(no subject)
Jul. 8th, 2012 03:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI've kind of stopped writing here, which I don't like. I'll admit I've been lured by other platforms (Google+ mostly; I can't stand what Facebook has done to social media), but that's more impersonal; I write a lot on politics or more surface things there. It's not that I haven't been writing here that's the problem really; it's that I haven't been writing anywhere about things I used to write about here. So, I'm going to try and change that.
I feel like I've gotten myself into a hole that I've dug with surprising focus, only now I can't seem to get out on my own. The past few years have been... hard for me, and I pulled in and away to try and process some of that. Well, that's the glass half full of some liquid kind of interpretation, and it's true so far as it goes. I also pulled away because I was raw, exposed, embarrassed, ashamed and afraid, and I didn't know what to do with that, particularly in the presence of others. The idea of spackling over all that, engaging socially like everything's OK, the way it had been, seemed unbearable, particularly since part of my problem was with how things had been. So, I withdrew.
Now, I don't know how to reconnect with anyone. I've been gone too long, a part of me thinks, and people have gotten used to me not being around. Were I to try to reengage, the fall back position is to pick up where we left off, but that seems kind of horrible to me. On another hand, I don't really want to go through everything that's gone on with people. I'm still processing a lot of it, and it feels too fragile, too nascent, and I know I have a tendency to package things for presentation that tends to constrain me afterward.
I don't trust people, I don't trust myself, and I'm out of the habit of seeing others (and they are presumably out of the habit of seeing me). I feel like I need to do things in new ways, but I don't know what those new ways are, and I'm afraid of slipping back into bad habits, bad patterns, with people with whom I have any kind of past. I'm afraid of hurting, being hurt, and worst of all, being face to face with who I was. I still don't know how to deal with that. Maybe I never will? I don't know.
I need to see people. I need human contact. I also know I need to start building up a collection of experiences that are better, in which I'm more honest, more engaged, and less locked inside the very narrow range of insufficient possibilities my obsessive profiling/modelling suggests is safe. I need skills I don't possess to develop and improve skills I need. But really, I'm mostly scared that this loneliness is how it's going to be for a while, and a part of me really thinks that might be for the best.
I feel like I've gotten myself into a hole that I've dug with surprising focus, only now I can't seem to get out on my own. The past few years have been... hard for me, and I pulled in and away to try and process some of that. Well, that's the glass half full of some liquid kind of interpretation, and it's true so far as it goes. I also pulled away because I was raw, exposed, embarrassed, ashamed and afraid, and I didn't know what to do with that, particularly in the presence of others. The idea of spackling over all that, engaging socially like everything's OK, the way it had been, seemed unbearable, particularly since part of my problem was with how things had been. So, I withdrew.
Now, I don't know how to reconnect with anyone. I've been gone too long, a part of me thinks, and people have gotten used to me not being around. Were I to try to reengage, the fall back position is to pick up where we left off, but that seems kind of horrible to me. On another hand, I don't really want to go through everything that's gone on with people. I'm still processing a lot of it, and it feels too fragile, too nascent, and I know I have a tendency to package things for presentation that tends to constrain me afterward.
I don't trust people, I don't trust myself, and I'm out of the habit of seeing others (and they are presumably out of the habit of seeing me). I feel like I need to do things in new ways, but I don't know what those new ways are, and I'm afraid of slipping back into bad habits, bad patterns, with people with whom I have any kind of past. I'm afraid of hurting, being hurt, and worst of all, being face to face with who I was. I still don't know how to deal with that. Maybe I never will? I don't know.
I need to see people. I need human contact. I also know I need to start building up a collection of experiences that are better, in which I'm more honest, more engaged, and less locked inside the very narrow range of insufficient possibilities my obsessive profiling/modelling suggests is safe. I need skills I don't possess to develop and improve skills I need. But really, I'm mostly scared that this loneliness is how it's going to be for a while, and a part of me really thinks that might be for the best.
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no subject
Date: 2012-07-08 08:32 pm (UTC)Let me know if you'd like to do dinner or some such soon. I'll happily make a night free for you. :)
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Date: 2012-07-10 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-11 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-12 01:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-12 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-12 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-12 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-08 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-10 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-07-09 02:20 am (UTC)Wish you lived closer!
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Date: 2012-07-10 11:05 am (UTC)