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Feb. 19th, 2020 08:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI've been off my estrogen for about two and a half months now, and I feel conflicted.
I tend to a mild degree of hypochondria. I've always assumed this is rooted partly in being trans (there's something not right with my body), and partly from a near crippling level of self awareness. Historically, though, knowledge of this tendency (toward hypochondria) means I've tended to ignore symptoms more than go see doctors frivolously. However, with the heart concerns from last year (found out I have a congenital atrial aneurysm), plus stress and reduced levels of physical activity, really ramped up my concerns around potential blood clots (estrogen makes blood "stickier", as my GP put it), deep vein thrombosis, and maybe even stroke/heart attack. I saw a cardiologist, got tested twice, and came to adopt a plan of one aspirin per day, no prescription meds, and no need to reduce my hormones.
And yet, whenever I feel a weird temperature difference in left vs right leg, I worry. There are times in which my left calf will feel swollen, but is the same size when I measure it against my right. I've been hyperaware of my left armpit, which could be a strain, or razor burn, or an ingrown hair, but I'm afraid of heart issues.
And then on the positive side, I'm much more aware of my sexuality off the estrogen. I *hate* the implications of that, while I also enjoy the increased physical libido.
I know this probably means I need to get my ass back into therapy, but the idea of starting over with someone new, after two and a half years without, feels overwhelming, too. If I'm in therapy because I need help, the prospect of 6 months of background work sounds infuriating to me.
I tend to a mild degree of hypochondria. I've always assumed this is rooted partly in being trans (there's something not right with my body), and partly from a near crippling level of self awareness. Historically, though, knowledge of this tendency (toward hypochondria) means I've tended to ignore symptoms more than go see doctors frivolously. However, with the heart concerns from last year (found out I have a congenital atrial aneurysm), plus stress and reduced levels of physical activity, really ramped up my concerns around potential blood clots (estrogen makes blood "stickier", as my GP put it), deep vein thrombosis, and maybe even stroke/heart attack. I saw a cardiologist, got tested twice, and came to adopt a plan of one aspirin per day, no prescription meds, and no need to reduce my hormones.
And yet, whenever I feel a weird temperature difference in left vs right leg, I worry. There are times in which my left calf will feel swollen, but is the same size when I measure it against my right. I've been hyperaware of my left armpit, which could be a strain, or razor burn, or an ingrown hair, but I'm afraid of heart issues.
And then on the positive side, I'm much more aware of my sexuality off the estrogen. I *hate* the implications of that, while I also enjoy the increased physical libido.
I know this probably means I need to get my ass back into therapy, but the idea of starting over with someone new, after two and a half years without, feels overwhelming, too. If I'm in therapy because I need help, the prospect of 6 months of background work sounds infuriating to me.
