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Feb. 6th, 2021 05:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiI'm struggling recently with the idea that I've lost ground on a lot of important issues, or that I've backslid into territory that would be familiar to me 20-30 years ago. A more rational part of my mind suggests that unresolved issues lying dormant/unaddressed don't count as "progress", so it can't be backsliding so much as coming back to the unfinished to-do list, but the feeling of being disappointed in myself remains.
I'm sure there is a COVID vector to this. Being removed from easy social connection for going on a year now does feel like being a late teen spending most time in my bedroom with my door closed, hiding who I am and how I am different (though arguably not well; only to the point of deniability-by-convention).
Since COVID and J's cancer recurrence, we've been sleeping separately to minimize her potential exposure: she sleeps downstairs, I sleep and work (and use my non-work computer) upstairs. It's a second level of separation that makes sense, but adds to the feeling of alienation.
I am more aware of my cognitive differences with relation to others; even more, I'm aware of the differences of my self-awareness and adaptive strategies in comparison to others. The experiential gap is... notable. Some of this may well be age (plus nigh obsessive self-awareness( but it does not lessen the gap between myself and others.
And the gender thing. Age plus ongoing gender issues is not a happy place, at least for me. The social aspect of gender (acceptance, awareness, expression, identity reinforcement by targeted community) is gone. Nothing gender related is even remotely comfortable to me, and hasn't been since... June of last year? There was a cessation of external pressure from March-June that felt like it created a space/potential, but in the eight months since, there has been the slow removal of social oxygen that diminishes any potential gains.
I'm not writing productively. Hell, I'm barely writing. Maybe try again later.
I'm sure there is a COVID vector to this. Being removed from easy social connection for going on a year now does feel like being a late teen spending most time in my bedroom with my door closed, hiding who I am and how I am different (though arguably not well; only to the point of deniability-by-convention).
Since COVID and J's cancer recurrence, we've been sleeping separately to minimize her potential exposure: she sleeps downstairs, I sleep and work (and use my non-work computer) upstairs. It's a second level of separation that makes sense, but adds to the feeling of alienation.
I am more aware of my cognitive differences with relation to others; even more, I'm aware of the differences of my self-awareness and adaptive strategies in comparison to others. The experiential gap is... notable. Some of this may well be age (plus nigh obsessive self-awareness( but it does not lessen the gap between myself and others.
And the gender thing. Age plus ongoing gender issues is not a happy place, at least for me. The social aspect of gender (acceptance, awareness, expression, identity reinforcement by targeted community) is gone. Nothing gender related is even remotely comfortable to me, and hasn't been since... June of last year? There was a cessation of external pressure from March-June that felt like it created a space/potential, but in the eight months since, there has been the slow removal of social oxygen that diminishes any potential gains.
I'm not writing productively. Hell, I'm barely writing. Maybe try again later.
