(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I feel stuck lately. I don't feel that I'm making progress, certainly not at a rate I felt I was making it previously, if not actually backsliding. Even when I move, the feeling is of constraint, precision, economy, certainly not expression or freedom. My throat has been tight all week, and I can't help but wonder if it isn't the tab for not speaking in my normal register for years and years finally being collected. I feel the weight of not challenging people's assumptions about what they think I am as, if not betrayal, at least failure on my part, an abandonment of myself. In the attempt to abandon either/or, I lose the easiest way for me to feel not that which I most acutely feel is inaccurate ("girl" as the easiest way to be "notboy"). I understand more and more lately why some make that choice/decision, even if it does go against their political and philosophical stances (not that I can see myself making such a deal; I'm ever one to hold true to theory at the expense of expediency). I need some release, some infusion of energy to break this inertia that I feel so calcified by. I don't know where I need to be, what I need to be doing, I only know that what I'm doing now doesn't seem to be enough, for me.

Comments

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, Phaedra and I mentioned this concept to one another tonight. While it's silly to deny the discomfort and dissatisfaction which is inherent in being in such a position, it is usually preface and buildup to breakthrough. So do try to keep that in mind - continuing to seek means you will find...even if I don't always understand what the devil it is just yet.

[adrienmundi]

Color me shocked that you guys happened to be talking about something that I was struggling with at the same time. What are the odds, I ask you?