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May. 16th, 2003 02:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiWhy can't egotism, lack of introspection, and selfishness be terminal for the infected? Or, why can't it be terminal sooner? Maybe it is too much to expect everyone to think, or to be able to, but surely it can't be too much to expect them to feel/care, or be able to, right?
I'm 36 years old, and by most markers of success or sustainability, I'm not doing all that well. I've felt, and sometimes been, marginalized since I can remember; the biggest constant in my remembered life is aggressive introspection, a persistent need to figure myself out, and a stubborn unwillingness to give up and claim whatever half-assed place I'd gotten to at any given point THE place/reason/justification I sought. My interests were shaped by this need; I don't know that I didn't come by my addiction to theory, philosophy, logic and rhetoric "naturally" (if anyone ever does), but in a desperate grasping for the tools for self-excavation. In the time that many people put their interests together and look at careers and career paths, I poked deeper and deeper into my own head, and into what I saw of the world. Many of my age contemporaries, and younger, are surprisingly comfortable, both in terms of sustainable career paths and financially. This would likely bother me much less if I had a firmer sense of self, a stronger grasp on who I am and how I fit in my corner of the world, but I don't, AND I don't have marketable job skills, useful letters after my name, etc. Instead, I find myself making less and less every year, with little option out there save for less stress and less money. I can't help wondering if social marginalization tends to lead to economic marginalization more often than not; it certainly has felt that way for me.
I'm 36 years old, and by most markers of success or sustainability, I'm not doing all that well. I've felt, and sometimes been, marginalized since I can remember; the biggest constant in my remembered life is aggressive introspection, a persistent need to figure myself out, and a stubborn unwillingness to give up and claim whatever half-assed place I'd gotten to at any given point THE place/reason/justification I sought. My interests were shaped by this need; I don't know that I didn't come by my addiction to theory, philosophy, logic and rhetoric "naturally" (if anyone ever does), but in a desperate grasping for the tools for self-excavation. In the time that many people put their interests together and look at careers and career paths, I poked deeper and deeper into my own head, and into what I saw of the world. Many of my age contemporaries, and younger, are surprisingly comfortable, both in terms of sustainable career paths and financially. This would likely bother me much less if I had a firmer sense of self, a stronger grasp on who I am and how I fit in my corner of the world, but I don't, AND I don't have marketable job skills, useful letters after my name, etc. Instead, I find myself making less and less every year, with little option out there save for less stress and less money. I can't help wondering if social marginalization tends to lead to economic marginalization more often than not; it certainly has felt that way for me.
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Date: 2003-05-16 01:30 pm (UTC)We'll see where this path leads and hope yours takes a positive turn in the near future.