(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

One of my largest fears is that at a base level, it really doesn’t matter what I think/feel/want, but that the world really only allows certain things. I’m afraid that it doesn’t matter at all that I think gender is stupid, wrong, and coercive, or that it matters even less if that feeling is valid or accurate, because the world only allows two choices: this, or that. The fear is that no amount of logic, cleverness, mental agility or insight makes a difference; this is just how it is.

I’m also very afraid that they may be right, and this is compounded by my fear and anxiety about things that feel good. What if I like feminine pronouns? What if I like ‘feminine’ presentation in and of itself, and want it consistently? Doesn’t it necessarily mean that there are only two choices? Or worse, there may be more choices, but that really, I only want the other part of the binary equation, which would be worse, in a way; it would mean to me that all the time I’ve spent, all the pain and suffering up to this point to make a valid different way, was really for nothing (other than a very carefully constructed façade to hide my own fear).

Comments

[subjective.livejournal.com]

it's not for nothing if it was time spent helping you figure out what is right for you, what works, what feels best/better. and it's not for nothing anyway, because your insight into this helps other people understand that there is a more complicated space out there.

or at least that's how i try to see it, when i think about this sort of thing in relation to myself.

as for the first fear you mentioned-- i worry about that too, but i keep trying to remember how much "the way things are" can change, & has changed, historically.

[adrienmundi]

I worry that it will feel like losing, like I'm internally inconsistent, if after all fo these mental gyrations I only end up reinforcing a system that causes/-ed me such pain. As has been pointed out by the wisest person I know, I excel at radical autorhinoplasty, though.

[subjective.livejournal.com]

the way i see it, it's not losing if it works for you, & we both know that you're not going to suddenly lose all the history & perspective you've gained over the past years & become totally oblivious to non-binary spaces or politics or feelings. the way your personal life plays out does not necessarily have to be by default reinforcing that system. you can live your own life & still work for non-binary ways of being.

but it's hard when the personal comes up against the political in this way. i think about this a lot too.

Yea what tobi (sp?said!

[skiadaimonos.livejournal.com]

it's not losing if it works for you

Can't help thinking that the larger lesson is that winning and loosing is irrelevant because the game system is what needs to shift.
(no zero-sum, and fuck

Re: Yea what tobi (sp?said!

[skiadaimonos.livejournal.com]

[...] hegelian dialectics

(yea i am a klutz)