(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

Do you want your friends to reinforce you as you see yourself, or do you want your friends to push and challenge you? This isn't intended to be rhetorical.

Comments

[onmyownterms.livejournal.com]

I prefer for my friends to challenge me and help me grow.

[adrienmundi]

My thinking as well; I was just wondering how common that view was. Of course, polling the friends who read my LJ is hardly a fair sampling.

[martinhesselius.livejournal.com]

Push.

[casketgirl.livejournal.com]

They should push without using peer pressure and challenge without fomenting resentment.

But they should also reinforce when you need support.

I guess the hard part is knowing what to do when.

[champignon.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I was going to say.

If all they ever do is support, it hardly seems sincere. If all they do is challenge or push, it hardly seems like a comfortable relationship.

Odd (to me) that you should bring this up here now. Just night before last I was having a very similar discussion with a friend.

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

As per usual, casketgirl and champignon are wise.

The purpose should be the betterment of you. They (friends) may be wrong in their
timing and chosing of push and support, but the intent should be to strengthen you
and the friendship - although it also acknowledges that a friend will sometimes even risk the
friendship if it means doing right for you.

Oh, and hi Heather - I'm going to add you to my friends list, iffa that's cool with you :)

[adrienmundi]

I guess I weighted the questions unfairly; were I less annoyed at the time, I probably would have asked something more like "Is a friend really a friend if all they do is reinforce your own definition and opinion of yourself?". That, I think, was the truer question, the one all responses have seemed to answer in the negative. Too bad that doesn't seem to be a more universal response.

Re:

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

Is a universal response necessary? I think that seems to imply universal application of, well, anything when it comes to relationships.

To every thing, turn, turn, turn
there is a season, turn, turn
and a time to every purpose
under heaven

[adrienmundi]

I'm feeling all Kantian at the moment, so yes; I feel that this is a categorical imperative. This is in part a selfish stance that I take, and I understand that, but if I'm working from the assumption that challenging and pushing are a requisite for real, meaningful friendship, and others whom I consider friends do not, that causes strife and resentment, even flowing from the best of intentions. Conversely, if someone with whom I deal views real, meaningful friendship as unconditionally supporting the status quo you set for yourself, and expects the same in return, sooner or later I'm going to cross that line (either consciously or unconsciously), and it's going to get messy.

Re:

[scottopic.livejournal.com]

I'm not certain what a definition of friendship will necessitate, however. While my answer (they will sometimes do either/both) still holds true from my perspective, there would seem to be a huge dollop of value based on the (o)ther's sincerity in wishing you well, and working towards the end of your betterment in their perception - and yes, I read your more recent post today. *smirk*

Perhaps because I have an inkling of the specifics at hand I am inclined to show a path towards harmony, but I know that this cannot always be the case. I suppose one cannot make a whole judgement on a friend until the full gamut of situations and circumstances are encountered - they may very well be a friend, but then chicken out on an important deal - which doesn't mean that they weren't a friend all along, just that this particular deal fell through - from thatpoint, they are either a)not a friend or b)a friend who failed on a point, but still a friend. For example, if I have a rule, "Any friend of mine will buy me ice cream for my birthday." - I have four people who I consider friends, and until my birthday, they fulfill all of my other conscious and unconscious requirements - but on my birthday, one forgets, and one is in a car accident and can't make it to the ice cream shoppe. Another doesn't think I'm serious about the ice cream thing, another outright doesn't know. besides being a depressing state,
Are they no longer my friend?
Were they never my friend?
WHo stays, who goes?

hmm

[stacyspacey.livejournal.com]

I want my friends to always attempt to challenge me, given their perspective or resources. Of course, some people understand that as "Be a jackass, and force your opinion on me..." which is not how I understand it. But I think that any situation, up to the point where I am on the verge of a breakdown (and maybe then too) could be enhanced by being "challenged". And actually, a friend challenging my viewpoint, by arguing another point, may actually reinforce my viewpoint inadvertently. For me, "support" is simply the friend's willingness to hear me out, and think through my situation, even if they don't have something new to add to the experience...

Since everyone is different, one friend may not be able to help with every situation. That is why it is important to have a rich variety of friendships.

[misterrain.livejournal.com]

I submit that the question contains a false binary. My friends aren't a self-improvement seminar; by no means do I always want them to push and challenge me. Someone who did so 100% of the time would be someone around whom I'd feel I could never let down my guard, and I doubt I could have a friend like that.

Depending on the circumstances, sure, the act of a friend might be an act of challenge. If I started spouting fundamentalist and/or racist bullshit, damn right I'd hope my friends would call me on it immediately. Short of that, though, I can easily envision circumstances in which I'd expect a friend just to agree to disagree with me, or to back me up even though they knew I was wrong (and probably take it up with me later), or any number of paths perpendicular to all these. If a friend needed a boost in self-confidence more than they needed critique, I'd give them an unwarranted compliment without batting an eye. Not a chance would I push and challenge a friend who was in pain.

My friends are my friends because I trust them to use their best judgment to act toward me with respect, loyalty, compassion and affection; I do my best to base my actions toward them on the same criteria.

[adrienmundi]

Valid points. I acknowledged the flase dichotmy in the comments above, as well as in the first post today. The question should have been, "reinforce only, or challenge and reinforce."