(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

I've been feeling lately a compulsion to be more, for lack of a better term, "out". The immediate problem becomes, "out as what?", which only serves to feed that oddly familiar sense of restraint at which I've come to chafe so. I don't like the feeling that I need to stay under the radar all the time, to be evervigilant lest I be unpleasantly surprised, or even jumped by the goons of conformist culture, but at the same time, I just don't feel safe manifesting my desire to be less conforming. It makes me want to whine that I don't want to be a front runner in an "exciting" new way to broaden minds/horizons/etc., I just want a chance to work out who I might actually be. I don't have handy, easily digested labels for the concepts with which I struggle, and quite frankly, I don't trust in either the benevolence or internal consistency of most people without a fair degree of vested interest in me to make more than a casual effort at understanding and accepting anyway. It's frightening to think about losing the degree of invisibility I currently possess (fitting loosely into what is generally classified as culturally "man", though I'm starting to push it), while feeling pretty damned certain that I won't ever be able to be invisible on the "other" side. It scares me a lot to think that I can either suffer in what feels like a form of bondage to me, or be exposed all the time. Ideally, I guess I should be strong enough to take constant exposure, or accept the bondage; I have been told, often, that that's what others do (though I retain secret doubts about the accuracy of that lesson). So, as is all too usual, I'm still with a compulsion, and no clear way to act upon it.

Comments

[hippieatheart.livejournal.com]

Ae,

Countless people, far less gifted than you, have struggled with the same things you are debating. The big question is whether or not you can ever be happy if you don't "out" yourself.

If you feel you can be happy, great, but I suspect that's not your take on things, in which case, it's simply a matter of when, not if.

Alright, time to get nerdy - I'll use an analogy from chemistry (hey, it's what I know).

All matter eventually settles into a state of lowest energy. Without any energy expended, this state will never change. Even if some energy is expended, it won't necessarily cause a change, the amount expended needs to overcome the activation energy to start a reaction and result in lasting change, which can be at a lower energy than the original resting place (i.e. an exothermic reaction - combustion).

Assuming this is something you want to carry forward, you need to overcome your activation energy, otherwise you'll keep settling into the comfortable current state. It won't be an easy ride, but in the end, when you've settled into a new state, I get the feeling you'll be much happier for it.

[adrienmundi]

I'm totally down with atomic model metaphors; I use electron shells as a metaphor for personality.

The question of outness isn't an issue, really, just how to implement it, and more importantly, what to implement.