(no subject)

[adrienmundi]

Things which seem apparent to me now:

I am shackled by my past. I seem to have gone beyond "learning from experience" to being crippled by it.

I use 'consistency' to cut myself, a lot (though there will never be after school specials about it).

It feels as though I am the primary architect of my own prison, and have done such an admirable job that I cannot see how to get out.

Can't un-/learn, can't use evenhanded criteria, can't get out: in other words, both stuck and fucked.

Comments

[anansi133.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure you want a devil's advocate comment, but hey, you left comments enabled, so what the hell.

Immobility doesn't have to mean that you're trapped. There are things you can learn about the forest, that require you to be perfectly still for longer than most city-folk would find comfortable.

Similarly, being "motionless" in one's emotional life, can reveal larger patterns than one can see living at full speed.

One way of looking at it, is that nothing happens without a reason. If you stop blaming yourself, then you are no longer the reason for everything that happens. This opens up the field to look for other reasons.

[adrienmundi]

Immobility feels like what I imagine death to feel like: stasis, no progress, no visible vectors.

I think I have tended to blame society/culture/others/the world for the overwhelming sense of wrongness/injustice that I experience, and have for a long, long time. The blaming of myself is a relatively recent addition; it feels like unwelcome pragmatism, since I can't make the world change for my own comfort and sense of justice.