(no subject)

The world is a weird place, or maybe it's that my interactions with it make it weird for me. I've been idle most of the week, with mandatory vacation, and it's been good for me. I've spent a great deal of time on the computer, naturally, but managed to get some work done, as well as strengthening an acquaintance; I'm much more pleased about the latter than the former.

I keep coming back to something my SO said many months ago:"Maybe you privelege the written word too much." I know I privelege it, a lot, but how much is too much? I know that I feel much more myself in written form; dialogically, I'm ever so grateful for online realtime communication. Otherwise, I guess I'd have to learn how to speak face to face, or on the dreaded telephone. Still, perhaps being aware of the gap between text and speech is the necessary first step.

But I don't want to be a teacher

Or even a bodhisatva. I do not want to be a selfless instructor, helping others overcome their burdens of ignorance, perspective, lack of experience or thought. Why does it look like I have no choice in this matter? For me to be able to be myself, it feels certain that I will have to be able to explain my stances to others, yet there is no language or conceptual framework readily accessible to make that verstandlich. For me to be able to talk meaningfully to others about the things I must talk about, struggle with, it looks as though I will have to teach, and I resent the hell out of that. I'm tired of being selfless, tired of accomodating the limitations of others. I want the luxury of selfishness; I want others to have to accomodate me, but I just don't see that happening.