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Sep. 23rd, 2002 10:35 pmI sometimes worry that I have lost the focus for this thing, this genre/forum. I have not really written about the things that are almost always with me in a while. It isn't that I don't mean every word that I say of love and encouragement to friends; I do, so much so that it surprises me sometimes. But, I haven't picked at the recesses of my mind, my reactions to the world and myself in a while.
I think I'm to the point that I'm both tired enough of hiding, and emboldened by those near and dear, to maybe hide less. It's not really fair of me to complain about how the world categorizes and treats me if I don't give any indication of how I'd like to be treated, or at the very least what treatment is unacceptable. That I think I don't look like, or come across as, much in the way of "guy" doesn't really help if no one else gets it, or notices, and even less so if I let assumptions lay. I often get hung up on my inability as of yet to offer an alternative, but maybe it's enough to say, "That's not me", without having to offer a tidy package of alternative explanation (I'm not so good at tidy). So, for the record, I'm not a boy/man/guy, though there are traits I will pick and choose from attributes generally assigned to that group. Conversely, I'm not a girl/woman/(whatever is the equivalent for 'guy'), though again there are traits I will pick and choose from those attributed (That there are more of the latter group than the former that appeal to me is something that I've come to realize is not only OK, but also doesn't mean that I must therefore fit/be fit into that camp; fitting in just isn't in me).
That being said, I know I don't externalize much, particularly in that regard. Sure, I may think I look sort of ambiguously soft-butchy with my short hair and glasses, but it's a context few get (save for the double takes I get from cute alterna-girls-who-like-girlies in public), and even fewer appreciate. If communication of self as a tool for understanding by others is the goal, I'm pretty far afield. I'm not quite sure how to progress, or what skills to hone, and there's the brutal fear of acting/looking ludicrous and/or being laughed at, but I'm beginning to realize that there are those who will back me, pretty much through anything (and that there's a tiny fae who won't let me leave the house looking unintentionally ridiculous). So, there's an impulse with not so much clear action to focus upon. Maybe it's as simple as not letting the guy/man/boy label be hung without comment, or with challenging assumptions made about me based on an assumed genital attribution (something of which a very small number has any direct knowledge, I'm perversely pleased to say). While I hardly think I come across as traditionally "manly", I suspect that since I don't come across as "womanly" either makes people try to fit me into the former box (or assume I'm gay: "You're not like them; are you then like me?"). It requires some thought, and then some action.
On a related note, I also intend to be less evasive, less closed, with friends. I've had limited, though notable, success recently, and I feel emboldened by my points of certainty to reach further. I don't feel emotionally equitable or accessible, like I need to hold myself at arm's reach, which seems stupid, when I think about it semi-rationally. I don't tell those I regard highly that I do, or at least not enough. I want to assure people that I am at least as messed up as they are, that I don't have answers all or even most of the time, and that my regard and gaze is generally kind and friendly, but I don't know that I come across that way. Again, something I strive to change.
I think I'm to the point that I'm both tired enough of hiding, and emboldened by those near and dear, to maybe hide less. It's not really fair of me to complain about how the world categorizes and treats me if I don't give any indication of how I'd like to be treated, or at the very least what treatment is unacceptable. That I think I don't look like, or come across as, much in the way of "guy" doesn't really help if no one else gets it, or notices, and even less so if I let assumptions lay. I often get hung up on my inability as of yet to offer an alternative, but maybe it's enough to say, "That's not me", without having to offer a tidy package of alternative explanation (I'm not so good at tidy). So, for the record, I'm not a boy/man/guy, though there are traits I will pick and choose from attributes generally assigned to that group. Conversely, I'm not a girl/woman/(whatever is the equivalent for 'guy'), though again there are traits I will pick and choose from those attributed (That there are more of the latter group than the former that appeal to me is something that I've come to realize is not only OK, but also doesn't mean that I must therefore fit/be fit into that camp; fitting in just isn't in me).
That being said, I know I don't externalize much, particularly in that regard. Sure, I may think I look sort of ambiguously soft-butchy with my short hair and glasses, but it's a context few get (save for the double takes I get from cute alterna-girls-who-like-girlies in public), and even fewer appreciate. If communication of self as a tool for understanding by others is the goal, I'm pretty far afield. I'm not quite sure how to progress, or what skills to hone, and there's the brutal fear of acting/looking ludicrous and/or being laughed at, but I'm beginning to realize that there are those who will back me, pretty much through anything (and that there's a tiny fae who won't let me leave the house looking unintentionally ridiculous). So, there's an impulse with not so much clear action to focus upon. Maybe it's as simple as not letting the guy/man/boy label be hung without comment, or with challenging assumptions made about me based on an assumed genital attribution (something of which a very small number has any direct knowledge, I'm perversely pleased to say). While I hardly think I come across as traditionally "manly", I suspect that since I don't come across as "womanly" either makes people try to fit me into the former box (or assume I'm gay: "You're not like them; are you then like me?"). It requires some thought, and then some action.
On a related note, I also intend to be less evasive, less closed, with friends. I've had limited, though notable, success recently, and I feel emboldened by my points of certainty to reach further. I don't feel emotionally equitable or accessible, like I need to hold myself at arm's reach, which seems stupid, when I think about it semi-rationally. I don't tell those I regard highly that I do, or at least not enough. I want to assure people that I am at least as messed up as they are, that I don't have answers all or even most of the time, and that my regard and gaze is generally kind and friendly, but I don't know that I come across that way. Again, something I strive to change.
