Fear of shallowness

I am closer now than I have ever been to quitting my monthly geek fix (AIT, for those in the know). I worry that the only reason I haven't kicked yet is that it's the only place I feel I can be girlier in public without condemnation. I worry that I make excuses for venue, and those who populate it.

I also worry that I make excuses for pretty people who agree with me politically (real world), and tolerate my company. Alas, I pine for commies....

Somebody get me out of here, I'm tearing at myself...

There is something in me, that's been here for about a week, maybe more. It feels like... saddness/unhappiness/depression/disillusionment/being overwhelmed and underprepared; any of that fits, and yet none of it's quite right. This thing, whatever it is, seems to be pushing, digging for openings, for avenues through which to manifest, or maybe just release. I get teary at crap on the radio, I get nauseated, I see everything through the lenses of... whatever this is. It's not fun, I don't like it, but I don't know that I can get rid of it if I don't know what it is, and I don't, yet.