![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Nov. 24th, 2002 09:11 amAlmost like clockwork, the feeling of disconnect has begun again this year in earnest. It usually begins sometime around the holidays, and lasts a little time after. I think a combination of work relatedness, conjoined (probably at the sternum) with increased social outings and familial obligation, brings all of this together.
The work aspect is my usual refrain, magnified. It feels necessary to have a different facade for the work that I do than I usually wear. It's an indication, to me, at least, of how different this is from something approaching my 'self' that no one I work with believes me when I say I'm shy and introverted. There are some days that I just can't psyche myself up to put this face on; if I'm smart on days like that, I don't go in (but then I feel guilty for letting people down; I'm a sucker like that). It gets worse during the holidays because there are more people, wanting more stuff, more attention, and it gets really, really draining.
Socially, maybe this falls back to the shy and introverted, too. The giantslayer and I went to a surprise birthday party for one of her friends/coworkers last night, and the feeling of disconnect was profound. There were the usual cliques formed, and very little cross clique traffic. I found myself reverting to the role of "quiet one sitting on the couch, watching", one at which I'm pretty adept, but it's hardly a warm or friendly one.
Then, of course, there's the familial aspect. There's really nothing like being in a room of people with whom I'm allegedly related by blood, but otherwise to which I have no connection and nothing in common. It's all the more frustrating when I see the degree to which they interact, the commonalities they possess. While I don't necessarily want to be a part of *that* group, the being out of groupness isn't all that appealing.
Just the usual whining.
The work aspect is my usual refrain, magnified. It feels necessary to have a different facade for the work that I do than I usually wear. It's an indication, to me, at least, of how different this is from something approaching my 'self' that no one I work with believes me when I say I'm shy and introverted. There are some days that I just can't psyche myself up to put this face on; if I'm smart on days like that, I don't go in (but then I feel guilty for letting people down; I'm a sucker like that). It gets worse during the holidays because there are more people, wanting more stuff, more attention, and it gets really, really draining.
Socially, maybe this falls back to the shy and introverted, too. The giantslayer and I went to a surprise birthday party for one of her friends/coworkers last night, and the feeling of disconnect was profound. There were the usual cliques formed, and very little cross clique traffic. I found myself reverting to the role of "quiet one sitting on the couch, watching", one at which I'm pretty adept, but it's hardly a warm or friendly one.
Then, of course, there's the familial aspect. There's really nothing like being in a room of people with whom I'm allegedly related by blood, but otherwise to which I have no connection and nothing in common. It's all the more frustrating when I see the degree to which they interact, the commonalities they possess. While I don't necessarily want to be a part of *that* group, the being out of groupness isn't all that appealing.
Just the usual whining.
