(no subject)

started crying in the shower today. I don't cry, hardly ever; I'm not very good at it. It never lasts long, it's choked back, held in check, never really releasing the sadness. Off and on for the past several weeks, I have been overwhelmed; my stomach, which never bothers me, has been extremely uneasy, I'm not sleeping well, the precurosorial sensation to tears pops up in me all the time. It is too much; I am not strong enough to change what has to be changed. I am weak, small, and it is far too much, too entrenched, too big for me to handle. I cannot seem to trust those who tell me i can trust them. I am frightened all the time, and I don't know how to stop. I can't not do this, but can I do this? What if I can't pull it off? What if what I am being offered isn't enough, will never be enough? I can not go back in the box, but can I live outside of it?