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Feb. 9th, 2003 05:51 pmI'm in an odd, kind of off mood today. I'm not sure if it's because I started it off with more than usual focused introspection (something about improperly written work schedules gave me about an hour to cool my heels at a suburban Starbuck(')s), if the introspection comes as a result of the offness, or something else I haven't figured out yet.
I worry about rules a great deal; some might say I obssess over them. I don't find them comforting, in the sense that I suspect those who say that mean it, but I do find them... liminally defining, in the sense that I have an idea of the range of "acceptable" options as well as the consequences for varying levels of transgression. This doesn't help me as much as it used to; in particular, when I don't know the rules I think I tend to assume the 'safest', generally more conservative, set of likely limits and options and operate as if those were accurate and proven. More often than not, this is overly conservative, and I end up feeling that I have missed out on something based on a misread of the situation. As of late, I've begun to question if this hesitancy is unfair, or even in extreme cases, somewhat injurious to others (I suspect this is what others have been warning me of, at least in part, in regards to "unacknowledged power"). But, if I don't have a good feel for the situation, even if I suspect it's not accurate, I'm not sure how to do better.
Likely tied to this was the recent realization that the greatest successes (in my own estimation) in interpersonal dealings were when I stepped outside the bounds of my usual range of actions. Perhaps there is something I could do to cultivate the feeling of rightness that emboldened me, but I have no idea what that might be.
I'll likely attack this, and related topics, again very soon.
I worry about rules a great deal; some might say I obssess over them. I don't find them comforting, in the sense that I suspect those who say that mean it, but I do find them... liminally defining, in the sense that I have an idea of the range of "acceptable" options as well as the consequences for varying levels of transgression. This doesn't help me as much as it used to; in particular, when I don't know the rules I think I tend to assume the 'safest', generally more conservative, set of likely limits and options and operate as if those were accurate and proven. More often than not, this is overly conservative, and I end up feeling that I have missed out on something based on a misread of the situation. As of late, I've begun to question if this hesitancy is unfair, or even in extreme cases, somewhat injurious to others (I suspect this is what others have been warning me of, at least in part, in regards to "unacknowledged power"). But, if I don't have a good feel for the situation, even if I suspect it's not accurate, I'm not sure how to do better.
Likely tied to this was the recent realization that the greatest successes (in my own estimation) in interpersonal dealings were when I stepped outside the bounds of my usual range of actions. Perhaps there is something I could do to cultivate the feeling of rightness that emboldened me, but I have no idea what that might be.
I'll likely attack this, and related topics, again very soon.
