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Feb. 10th, 2003 09:46 amTo pick up in the same neighborhood as before, if not the same address:
Not knowing things really bugs me; I don't know that I've ever outgrown that toddleresque demand of "Why?". I suspect that it's only been compounded with age, as I become more aware of that I do not know as I learn more. I don't think I want to know everything, just everything in which I am interested (only the tiniest of differences, practically). In a way, I think this ties into the "rules" discussion; not knowing the social landscape, the bounds and penalties, makes me unsettled, for the previously discussed reasons, as well as the whole just not knowing.
This retreat to conservative possibilities is ceasing to serve, I think. I keep having the nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something, or potentially something, and really have no one to blame for this but myself. I don't think it's just hesitation; if I don't know the lay of things, I often don't know how to proceed, no matter how I may want to. It becomes something that nags at me, this desire for more/better/different, with little navigational assistance that I can find. I envy greatly those who seem to navigate by some internal sense, and who seem to misstep substantially less than I think I do (I'm willing to grant that, not being privy to the internal dialogues, it may be all appearance). There are people with whom I want to be closer, those already close with whom I want interactions to be richer, and the one with whom I want them to be clear and unfiltered. I'm greedy, I guess, and impatient.
Not knowing things really bugs me; I don't know that I've ever outgrown that toddleresque demand of "Why?". I suspect that it's only been compounded with age, as I become more aware of that I do not know as I learn more. I don't think I want to know everything, just everything in which I am interested (only the tiniest of differences, practically). In a way, I think this ties into the "rules" discussion; not knowing the social landscape, the bounds and penalties, makes me unsettled, for the previously discussed reasons, as well as the whole just not knowing.
This retreat to conservative possibilities is ceasing to serve, I think. I keep having the nagging feeling that I'm missing out on something, or potentially something, and really have no one to blame for this but myself. I don't think it's just hesitation; if I don't know the lay of things, I often don't know how to proceed, no matter how I may want to. It becomes something that nags at me, this desire for more/better/different, with little navigational assistance that I can find. I envy greatly those who seem to navigate by some internal sense, and who seem to misstep substantially less than I think I do (I'm willing to grant that, not being privy to the internal dialogues, it may be all appearance). There are people with whom I want to be closer, those already close with whom I want interactions to be richer, and the one with whom I want them to be clear and unfiltered. I'm greedy, I guess, and impatient.
