Conformity among outsiders

I belong to a mailing list that is ostensibly for "bigendered, third gendered and nongendered folk". It's generally pretty quiet, with this weekend being quite the exception. A short intro has led to what is the latest disappointing example of the struggle for internal conformity amongst "outsiders", specifically in who is allowed to use what words, and how. The linguistic hypocrisy of anyone attempting to make the case that "transgender" can only define those who view gender as binary is staggering, yet it is stated that attempts to break down gender rules and roles only make it harder for "real" trans people who just want to fit into the system. Other examples have also popped up, with the overt message being, "Sure, you can use these words the way you want, but it will only lead to misunderstandings and alienation within specific (ie, this) subculture, so you'd really better just use them the way we do". Ugh. I've never quite understood this sort of thing; it's both mad- and saddening.