Juliana Hatfield

I absolutely adore her music, specifically her lyrics and her voice. It's that perfect balance of awareness of sadness, misery, and pain, mixed with the perpetual love and hope for something better, both from herself and from others, all the while knowing the limitations and likelihood of failure of all parties involved.I had imagined saying, "I'm having a Juliana Hatfield kind of night" this evening at the geekfest, but the audience present prevented that from having any meaning. I suppose if becket had been present when I arrived, it might have been different.

But, that being said, I am very definitely having a Juliana Hatfield kind of night, if not series of days. I am sad, I am frustrated at turns, feeling very much more emotional than I normally do.

On the drive home, I realized that often times I feel like the dirty secret of others. It's no secret that I have substantial issues with gender to many people, but it's never something acknowledge, referenced, etc. I often feel as though it's the great unspoken topic where I am concerned; people are aware, but etiquette prevents such an unseemly subject from ever coming up. I feel sometimes like that one "exception" that lets people feel good about themselves for knowing, but safely at a distance. I am perpetually "he/him" to others, almost always relagated to the boy/man side of things when it's effortless, and only occasionally put into the notboy, maybegirl(y) when people seem to want to feel better about their liberality or freak-friendliness. I don't think that I have made much of an impact on others in this most difficult and painful regard (though those for whom I have are granted a perpetual spot of love and adoration in my mental pantheonic chapel). It's probably my fault for not demanding more, but it feels selfish to ask, much less demand.

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My grandfather's name was AJ. That was actually his name, not his initials. From what I understand, it was to honor Andrew Jackson, but his parents didn't name him Andrew, or even Jackson. This strikes me as interesting, as my legal signature is J A, though mine are actually initials(from my father's side; lucky am I to be the third to have not only those initials, but the exact same name). This is one of the reasons my name bugs me so much; not only is it painfully gendered, but it's not even my name. At best, I can lay claim to the "III" at the end.

I've been toying with the A in J A switching to Ae. It's strange enough to appeal, has no connotations of which I am aware, and is pretty gender free. I'm not sure if I actually like it, or if it's just the most clever solution I've come up with thus far. It still leaves me at a loss for the J, and I'm certainly not going the phoneme route on that one; Jay I certainly am not.