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Aug. 18th, 2003 10:24 amOne of my largest fears is that at a base level, it really doesn’t matter what I think/feel/want, but that the world really only allows certain things. I’m afraid that it doesn’t matter at all that I think gender is stupid, wrong, and coercive, or that it matters even less if that feeling is valid or accurate, because the world only allows two choices: this, or that. The fear is that no amount of logic, cleverness, mental agility or insight makes a difference; this is just how it is.
I’m also very afraid that they may be right, and this is compounded by my fear and anxiety about things that feel good. What if I like feminine pronouns? What if I like ‘feminine’ presentation in and of itself, and want it consistently? Doesn’t it necessarily mean that there are only two choices? Or worse, there may be more choices, but that really, I only want the other part of the binary equation, which would be worse, in a way; it would mean to me that all the time I’ve spent, all the pain and suffering up to this point to make a valid different way, was really for nothing (other than a very carefully constructed façade to hide my own fear).
I’m also very afraid that they may be right, and this is compounded by my fear and anxiety about things that feel good. What if I like feminine pronouns? What if I like ‘feminine’ presentation in and of itself, and want it consistently? Doesn’t it necessarily mean that there are only two choices? Or worse, there may be more choices, but that really, I only want the other part of the binary equation, which would be worse, in a way; it would mean to me that all the time I’ve spent, all the pain and suffering up to this point to make a valid different way, was really for nothing (other than a very carefully constructed façade to hide my own fear).
