(no subject)

I've been feeling lately a compulsion to be more, for lack of a better term, "out". The immediate problem becomes, "out as what?", which only serves to feed that oddly familiar sense of restraint at which I've come to chafe so. I don't like the feeling that I need to stay under the radar all the time, to be evervigilant lest I be unpleasantly surprised, or even jumped by the goons of conformist culture, but at the same time, I just don't feel safe manifesting my desire to be less conforming. It makes me want to whine that I don't want to be a front runner in an "exciting" new way to broaden minds/horizons/etc., I just want a chance to work out who I might actually be. I don't have handy, easily digested labels for the concepts with which I struggle, and quite frankly, I don't trust in either the benevolence or internal consistency of most people without a fair degree of vested interest in me to make more than a casual effort at understanding and accepting anyway. It's frightening to think about losing the degree of invisibility I currently possess (fitting loosely into what is generally classified as culturally "man", though I'm starting to push it), while feeling pretty damned certain that I won't ever be able to be invisible on the "other" side. It scares me a lot to think that I can either suffer in what feels like a form of bondage to me, or be exposed all the time. Ideally, I guess I should be strong enough to take constant exposure, or accept the bondage; I have been told, often, that that's what others do (though I retain secret doubts about the accuracy of that lesson). So, as is all too usual, I'm still with a compulsion, and no clear way to act upon it.