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Oct. 2nd, 2003 02:51 pmI am afraid of the future, even though I find the present (at least, certain aspects of it) insufficient. I don't like the way I interact with most others, most of the time. I don't like that I take all of my cues from others, spoken/unspoken/assumed; I don't like that in my social interactions, "least offense to others' sensibilities" seems to be my motivating impulse, at the expense of many others. I don't like that I have to really think about it to know what my voice really sounds like, and that the people who have heard it can probably be counted on one hand. I don't like the constant constraint under which I feel compelled to act/interact.
The future looks terrifying to me. Much of my frustration with my present is gender based; I am not any flavor of 'man', and I'm tired of being expected to act/interact/think/etc., like one. I am also engaged, haltingly and slowly, in making changes to my appearance; I want this to continue, but it gets tricky and complicated, because what I want overlaps with what I am afraid many/most assume is 'natural' and polar. I want more of what is generally considered "female secondary sexual characteristics"; I want to never have to shave again (an enterprise that takes up entirely too much of my time as it is); I want a greater freedom of choice in the visual statement options at my disposal. Does any of this necessarily make me a 'woman', or want to be one? Not at all; I would state for the record that one can easily possess any/all of that and be a valid 'man', 'woman', or none of the above. (Yes, I know that begs the question 'what is a man/woman'? I don't have the answer at this time, so I'm moving on) That being said, because I want these things, and presumably (as far as most people are concerned) have an outie, that doesn't make me 'a different kind of man'; I tend to take offense at that suggestion, actually, and see it as an attempt to coerce me into one of two insufficient and artificial categories.
Lunch out with my ex-stepfather (but current father figure) drove home another point of fear for me today. Though not my preferred persona through which to interact, I realized that I have come to a point in which I can present as a reasonably attractive 'guy', if the reactions of others can be taken as any indicator. It's taken me decades to be able to do that. Some of you who have known me for ages may remember earlier iterations of self from which I cringe. I am afraid that it may take decades more to be able to present as reasonably attractive 'girl'; I remember the painful missteps from the first run, and I am really, really loathe to repeat that if possible. Sure, ideally it shouldn't matter, right? But, it does; I'm a not so secret aesthete, and as hard as it is to approach mirrors is currently, the prospect of trying, struggling for what I want, and finding them even more painful, is horrible. Yes, I know, "everyone is beautiful in their own way"; I watched Captain Kangaroo as a kid, too, but anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a platitude knows how unsatisfying it is.
As visceral as that fear is, the more intellectual fear is that, as I continue developing my thinking about these sorts of things, I will become less and less able to be understood. I have come to realize in recent years that I am, or long to be, a terribly social person, particularly in regards to the creation and transmission of meaning. I have said repeatedly that knowledge which is not transmissible is of no use to me, or probably anyone else. This seems particularly true in regards to my addiction/reliance upon dialectic. Already I am encountering painful disjunct in communicating meaning to others; I worry greatly that it will only increase as I move further along the path I seem to be following, and yet, I can see no other way than to keep going (stasis = something like death, after all).
The future looks terrifying to me. Much of my frustration with my present is gender based; I am not any flavor of 'man', and I'm tired of being expected to act/interact/think/etc., like one. I am also engaged, haltingly and slowly, in making changes to my appearance; I want this to continue, but it gets tricky and complicated, because what I want overlaps with what I am afraid many/most assume is 'natural' and polar. I want more of what is generally considered "female secondary sexual characteristics"; I want to never have to shave again (an enterprise that takes up entirely too much of my time as it is); I want a greater freedom of choice in the visual statement options at my disposal. Does any of this necessarily make me a 'woman', or want to be one? Not at all; I would state for the record that one can easily possess any/all of that and be a valid 'man', 'woman', or none of the above. (Yes, I know that begs the question 'what is a man/woman'? I don't have the answer at this time, so I'm moving on) That being said, because I want these things, and presumably (as far as most people are concerned) have an outie, that doesn't make me 'a different kind of man'; I tend to take offense at that suggestion, actually, and see it as an attempt to coerce me into one of two insufficient and artificial categories.
Lunch out with my ex-stepfather (but current father figure) drove home another point of fear for me today. Though not my preferred persona through which to interact, I realized that I have come to a point in which I can present as a reasonably attractive 'guy', if the reactions of others can be taken as any indicator. It's taken me decades to be able to do that. Some of you who have known me for ages may remember earlier iterations of self from which I cringe. I am afraid that it may take decades more to be able to present as reasonably attractive 'girl'; I remember the painful missteps from the first run, and I am really, really loathe to repeat that if possible. Sure, ideally it shouldn't matter, right? But, it does; I'm a not so secret aesthete, and as hard as it is to approach mirrors is currently, the prospect of trying, struggling for what I want, and finding them even more painful, is horrible. Yes, I know, "everyone is beautiful in their own way"; I watched Captain Kangaroo as a kid, too, but anyone who has been on the receiving end of such a platitude knows how unsatisfying it is.
As visceral as that fear is, the more intellectual fear is that, as I continue developing my thinking about these sorts of things, I will become less and less able to be understood. I have come to realize in recent years that I am, or long to be, a terribly social person, particularly in regards to the creation and transmission of meaning. I have said repeatedly that knowledge which is not transmissible is of no use to me, or probably anyone else. This seems particularly true in regards to my addiction/reliance upon dialectic. Already I am encountering painful disjunct in communicating meaning to others; I worry greatly that it will only increase as I move further along the path I seem to be following, and yet, I can see no other way than to keep going (stasis = something like death, after all).
