(no subject)

Things which seem apparent to me now:

I am shackled by my past. I seem to have gone beyond "learning from experience" to being crippled by it.

I use 'consistency' to cut myself, a lot (though there will never be after school specials about it).

It feels as though I am the primary architect of my own prison, and have done such an admirable job that I cannot see how to get out.

Can't un-/learn, can't use evenhanded criteria, can't get out: in other words, both stuck and fucked.

(no subject)

"What do you want?"

Why not open with the hardest part, huh? You'd think I'd have a better idea by now; I've been working on it for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, every new piece of information is the starting place for many more questions, leading me further into uncertainty and instability. I remember reading a pretty bad SF book; it was forgettable, save for one minor character who's goal it was to recreate a shattered stained glass window from the pieces of glass found in a ruined church. He ran countless simulations on the computer, and as he became more and more obssessed, he began to entertain the idea that what if some of the pieces of glass were transparent, rather than stained? His simulations became more and more clear, more empty; it was meant to indicate a descent to madness, I feel pretty certain, though the character's fate was never resolved (it was a pretty badly written book, after all). I feel like that, a lot of the time lately; the more I know/see/experience, the only thing I know is just how little I know. I've spent most of my life struggling with this, and feel even further from certainty, security, and comfort than before. I'd like some peace, please, without sacrificing integrity.